Shadows from the past

Shadows from the past

I was making myself a drink in the kitchen, then I got distracted by a memory, a memory once forgotten, and somehow, by accident, or by chance, the cup fell and everything scattered, spilled all over the white tiled floor.

I suppose most people, perhaps almost everyone, must have had shadows of their past. Memories that they had forced themselves to forget, inhibited, locked in a safe, at the dark corner of their mind.

Yet, somehow, after a couple of months, sometimes even years, somehow, no matter how powerful your mind tries to inhibit the memories, you never quite forget them.

For Boon Lee, I suppose it must have been 'okane'. Even after happily married, one sudden day, her zhimui (sister friend) would suddenly watsapp her and say: guess what? I saw okane the other day on the street with another girl. Thought you would like to know. And the thing is, I could tell that there was a part of her which had not quite let go the shadow of her past.

God always have His plans. His reasons. As for me, when mine revisited my mind, I just had to spill everything. Pure foolishness and stupidity  I have to admit. So there I was, on my fours, scrubbing the floors of my kitchen. As the tiles became cleaner, my mind clearer. As if the shadows of my past being wiped away. I was so soiled that I had to took a shower after that. And that made me feel better.

It made me think. Does everyone else have a shadow of their past? How do they cope with it? What if they need to face it almost everyday? What if they lived in fear of being reminded of the past? Was I ever, by chance a shadow of someone else's?

P/s: Back to reality. No time for mind games, just finding excuses not to study. Sigh...

Are we just too busy building sand castles in the sky???

Some people reach a part of life where their lives become a routine, almost. Waking up at seven, getting ready, off to work, home, dinner, rest and relax, then off to bed. Then the cycle repeats again. Occasionally, something interesting takes place. Then you pause. Then you return back to your cycle.

Is it by force or is it by choice?

I envied those people who are still enjoying their study life. ‘Enjoy your study life now, as it is the best phase in life!’ I said. ‘Working is a whole other thing,’ my head shook.

Working changes a person. Or at least me. One get too caught up in work, all bundled up between the routines, that sometimes, they do forget the important things in life. Sometimes, they even forgot how to live. Perhaps it is the stress, maybe it is the heavy workload, or the way our mind and body overworked itself. With that, One put itself on autopilot mode to do the routines and go home, get to bed and sleep.

Being a mother changes a person. Between coaxing the baby to sleep, changing diapers and feeding the child, it is not easy. Not that I am a mother. Not yet, at least. One of my bestfriends, Audrey just delivered her baby three months back. From my observation, a mother is a full time 24 hours job. And it ain’t easy one bit!

One tries to make time for family, extended family, the other half, the colleagues, the university friends, the high school friends, and maybe the puppy too.

I have four weekends in a month. And out of four, two which I need to work, in Kuala Pilah. That is how precious my weekends are. So, I like to plan my weekends ahead. Not that I am not spontaneous, I just like to plan it out, so that I get the most out of it.

TIME. There is just not enough of it.

So subconsciously, one tries to prioritize the things in life. And the bad thing about prioritizing is, along the way, some things (or some people) are sacrificed.  

For instance, my blog. The last post was in January 2013. The last confession shared dated April 22 2012, or April 24 - which was nearly a year ago. So,yes, my BloG, is dying. And each time i attempt to resuscitate it, it beats a while, gasps a few breaths, and then goes flat line again. Blogging, something which I once enjoyed doing very much, something which was once a part of me, it was somewhat surgically removed my life. And I am not even married with kids yet!

So, like I said, studying IS one of the best times in life. Perhaps your biggest worries back then were passing examinations, the new pimple on your left cheek, or whether the cute guy next door likes you. And if you are unlucky, school bullies. But well, that is it.

So, I still envied those people who are still studying. But, well, I had my time, so move on.

Bottom line here is, just in case I had deviated too far: Indeed, working had became  the new part of my life, the new me, but I would just like to remind myself, before i embark further on, yes, I NEED to remind myself, not to lose myself along the way.

There is more to life than just work. Family, friends, loved ones.  Do not allow them to be subconsciously surgically removed from your life. Do not allow the distance to space out. It takes both sides to fight for each other.

Bryan Dyson once said: Value has a Value only if its Value is Valued 

TIME. There is just not enough of it. 
Yet, we HAVE to FIND time. 
Yes, We NEED to MAKE time.

Do not lose yourself.

I do not believe in long distance relationships

I do not believe in long distance relationship.

I never did.

I am not saying that it does not work.

I am just saying that it does not work for me.

So when he said:

‘give me a chance, give us a chance,

I promise to make an effort to come and see you every week’

He said confidently,

I was skeptical,

Usually, i do not commit, until i am really really REALLY sure,

which i rarely am,

Nevertheless,

It was a miracle, the way we met,

Almost like a fairytale came true,

And God was on his side,

So, i took a leap of faith,

We took the step.

And he kept his word.

Then, one stormy night, after a long day at work, I got his phone call.

…..

She: So, what will we be doing this weekend?

He: I cannot see you this weekend. My brother is back from Singapore. He’ll be here on Fri, Sat, Sun.

And the process of DABDA(Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance)  begins:

She (in denial): But you promised. Remember, last week, you promised to come on fri,sat,sun!

He: Yes, but I didn’t know my brother will be back

She (in bargaining) : What if you spend time with your brother on fri + sat, then we can spend time on Sunday

He: No, I can’t

She (in depression) : Whatever, do anything you like…

(chat randomly on something else)

She (in depression + sleepiness) : Do anything you like…

He: I think you sound sleepy. Good night

The next day, having in mind that she better plan the weekend,

she texted : You really not seeing me on sunday?

Then he texted:

[Anyway, I need to share this with you. I feel that you are being unreasonable this time, especially what you said to me on the phone last night. He is my brother and it’s been a very long time that I had seen him. This time he is back just for the weekend. I won’t be seeing him that often anymore. I understand that you love me very much and miss me. I do too. Unfortunately, this shows insecurity, and it is a concern. Probably I had come see you every week and it had been a commitment to you, you have taken it for granted. I don’t like what you say everytime you are angry. It hurts me and I can’t sleep on it. This had been an ongoing problem for me. I need my own personal space. But that does not mean that I don’t love you. I just need some space and respect from you]

Such a long text out of the blue.

Selective reading just read one word: SPACE

A vocabulary so new to our relationship.

This not about this weekend or any weekends anymore.

Had I been so naïve that perhaps He did not shared the same enthusiasm of meeting up during the weekends? Perhaps a person’s joy had been another person’s burden? Was it really that suffocating? Why none was mentioned in the beginning itself?

Was I really that hard to get along? Was I suffocating him?

Is it wrong for a girlfriend to demand for more time?

Or is it better for a girlfriend to not demand at all? And be all excited like [yippie, I don’t have to see you this weekend?]

What type of girlfriend tells his boyfriend: It’s okay if you have not prepare anything for my birthday, we can postpone it next time…. Celebrate it next time…

(still being postponed at the moment)

Maybe I have not much experience in relationships, but I do know one, some problem can be solved, and this one is not one of those problems.

So it hit me hard, perhaps he was just tolerating and keeping it all inside until one day, it all burst out.

All guys want their personal SPACE. I am sure some girls will agree with this.

Guys have this ego and primitive need for SPACE.

And Girls can be clingy, over-attached and demanding.

If giving him mon-fri personal space is still not enough, I do not know what more to give.

Daily phone calls every night before sleep, becomes EOD, then biweekly. Slowly tapering…

Perhaps, it’s Kuala Pilah! Living away from home and close friends making me feel so miserable.Having to adapt all over again. On top of being in a department not of one choice, and having bad bad calls. Now, not even the weekends to look forward to. No one seemed to understand the feeling.

I will learn to be more considerate.

I will learn not to demand.

I will learn to detach myself.

I will above all, learn to let go.

Maybe, some puzzles were never meant to find their match.

Lesson #1: Never fall too deep into a relationship. It is a death trap.

Lesson # 2: If you love something, set it free. Give them space (or whatever)

Lesson #3 : Never, NEVER take family picture with your boyfriend family. No matter how good terms you are in. Even if at that moment, you believed that he is the one. Because, if things do not work out, years down the line, when someone asked : who is that girl ? He’ll have to answer: Oh that’s my EX, the bit*h.  And it can be quite awkward.

Lesson #4: Never, never, NEVER book a holiday with your boyfriend 1 year in advance on your credit card. You are no fortune teller, you'll never know what will happen in 1 year time.

So, welcome readers, I’m back to blogging again. I will now spend more time on myself.  Perhaps, I have been neglecting my personal space long enough.

And people say girls are complicated.

I think guys equally are.

I did not believe in long distance relationship.

Now, I do not even believe in relationship.

p/s: fyi, he met his brother 2 weeks ago and his brother is looking for a job in Singapore.
p/ss: even his brother once said he loves his car more than his girl.
(perhaps, everything else)

Dear diary,

Dear diary,

I had been rather depressed (correction: emotional) for the past week. It is a feeling that is rather hard to express. I wanted to get a drink, maybe to chill out and relax, to forget everything, yet, I couldn't.

That was when I realized, I had no one here to turn to.

I DO NOT BELONG HERE.

I am not the sociable kind of person.

I am not friendly.

I am not histrionic.

I do not open up easily to a friend, it takes time, time to build trust and comfort.

(at least in my case)

So, I had to pay for the consequences for being who I am.

I had a problem with adaptation. I always had. When I move to a new place, I would try to run away from it.

I dread being in a new place. It gives me no comfort, that new place.

Maybe it was partly because of my childhood memory, the time when I was 9 year old, and my family decided to move from Subang Jaya to Seremban. I was suddenly told that I had to leave. I resented it. And No, I had no vote in it. And I left, without a word or notice.

So, each time I go somewhere new, I get the same feeling all over again.

When I first shifted to Seremban, I resented it in my new primary school. I was exceptionally quiet – according to my report card. When I entered university, same resentment. And when I came to Melacca- resentment.

I hate it that everytime, when I reach a comfort zone, I had to leave.

And here, I am unsure, whether I have found my comfort zone.

Funny, being nearly two years here in Melaka,.. I had not one person to turn to in times of sadness.

I just could not open up. (it’s not them, it’s me) Friends here are cool, nice, but just, we do not talk feelings. We are lunch partners, dinner partners, shopping-partners, movie-partners, bowling-partners, happy-times-partners. They see me as a happy person, having a good career, a good family, a good boyfriend.  Even when my world turns up-side-down.

Perhaps, it is because, at every opportunity, I ran home. When it is the weekends, even when I am post-call, tired and sleepy, I grab the keys and drive. I had to. I just had to get out of here.  I missed my high school days and university days, those times that we can talk about almost anything.

I DO NOT BELONGED HERE.

IT IS TIME TO DECIDE, TO STAY OR TO MOVE.

I know I will miss my happy-times-partners…. And I feared again, the need to adapt again, the resentment.

My mum said, this is the circle of life, friends come and go. And I noticed, my mum is so occupied with work and family, she never meets up with any of her old friends. ‘we lost touch’ – she said.

It makes me wonder, will I be like that when I grow older, reach forties.

I think mum is a very strong women.

And I, I am not as strong as her. 

I needed friends, close friends, the happy-times-and-sad-times-friends. 

Just in case, if things did not turn out well, I needed something to fall on.

Love isn’t everything, Work isn’t everything, Then, WHAT IS EVERYTHING???

They say,

Love isn’t everything, 

Work isn’t everything,

Then, WHAT IS EVERYTHING???

Say we wake up at 6 in the morning, get to work at 7, plus minus the traffic jam, starts work at 8am, be very lucky enough to leave at 5pm, reach home in more or less 6pm… that is like 7am-6pm, which makes about 11 hours which is 45% of our day (11 out of 24 hours), EXCLUDING on-calls, studies, etc…  furthermore, if we were to minus 8 hours of sleep,  our job makes up 68% of our life… (i know, it is a sad fact, isn't it)

So, whatever JOB we choose, seriously, we MUST LOVE (LOVE, not just like, yes, deep-down-inside-L-O-V-E) it, right??? 

Then, we get home, we spend the remaining 13 hours with our love ones, whether friends, family, or the other half… laughed about what happened at work... share each other's experience, give each other comfort, give each other a pat in the shoulder, encouragement, love, smiles, support, surely, we SHOULD have a home to get back to, shouldn’t we? shouldn't we enjoy the other part of life to the fullest??

So, if we were to have a life partner, we SHOULD LOVE (LOVE, not just like) him (or her), right???

Imagine, if you had to remove that first half… so like I had to go to work, doing something I don’t like, 11 hours a day, for lets say, the next 2 years… how would it feel like?? Living that daily routine, dreading to get up for work, being blue all mondays and throughout the week.... Horrible. ain't it??? Well, at least I get to come home to people I loved… maybe that will make up for the 45% of the day, maybe not enough...

On the other hand, imagine, if you keep the first, and remove the second half… so like, I do something I like very much, live my passion, follow my dreams… but at the end of the day, I come home to an empty rented home… cuddle myself to sleep, treat myself when ill, dapao food home or called for delivery, watch VCD on my laptop until i doze off, …  is that happiness? 

So, 

when forced to make a decision,
i was torn apart between two worlds...

So, 

when forced to make a decision,

 I asked,

 WHY CAN’T WE HAVE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS??








WHAT IS EVERYTHING???

so, we live only once, heck it!

the commas in life

Uncertainties…


Life is a mystery
But a mystery can be solved
Well, Life’s mystery can’t
Which of course, complicates things further…


I cannot understand my very own life,
What more, to look out my life,
Or even bother to understanding other’s people life…


Sometimes, life feels like a [full stop]
Yeah, a [full stop]
Like it has all come to an end
And it is very VERY difficult to start a new sentence..


But my life,
At this point in time,
Maybe it feels like a [comma]
Yeah, a [comma]
Like waiting for something BIG to happen


I anticipate, yet I fear…
I fear of it being too BIG to handle
I fear it being a disappointment
And I drowned myself with millions of [what Ifs]
And then I start hitting the [backspace] button
Searching for the [delete] and [edit] key
But somehow,
Somehow, life does not allow that.
No, it does not.
Life just does not work that way.


So, long I stood,
There,
Just before the [comma]…

oh boy, why is it so darn hard to feel happy?

my eyes are painful,
somewhat red from all the rubbing,
somewhat watery from all the tearing...

my heart is retching,
aching with each breathe i take,
hurting with every thoughts of you...

why?
when you promised happiness,
you gave pain instead?
why?
when you said you will be there,
you were not?
why?
when you made promises,
you broke them one by one?

is it true?
that one need to walk down the path,
the path covered with shattered glass,
and let their feet bleed,
with every step,
sharp pain shooting up the spine,
yet, thou shall keep walking,
to reach the destination of happiness...

what if you thought you have found happiness,
and later found out,
that it was all a white lie...
a fairytale that never exist,
a pacifier for little kids...

i wondered how could you have let it be,
how could you have let it go,
perhaps, somethings weren't as important,
perhaps sweet words, were only words...

and i,
i only deserved to be in this dark space...

perhaps what they predicted was right
everyone was given a certain amount of happiness
and i am starting to reach the end of my quota...
the tip of the toothpaste tube....


oh boy, why is it so darn hard to feel happy?

The pen is your most powerful tool.

(picture by Athena)




The pen is your most powerful tool.

Whatever you write in the stack of casenotes,
will be done for your patients.

Whatever drug u prescribed,

the nurses would serve.

Whatever management you planned.

it shall be it!

Yet, with great powers, comes great responsibilities...

do you believed in fairytales?

i hate the rain

i wondered who has been doing the rain dance lately
the rain Gods must have been really pleased
it's been raining almost everyday
sometimes, even twice or thrice a day
you woke up to a sunny day
only to be tricked later by a massive downpour
oh gosh
i hate the rain
i really do


when it rains
half the paediatric wards in Teluk Intan Hospital
are filled with patients with AEBA
(acute exerbation of bronchial asthma)


when it rains
the incidents of motor vehicle accidents increases
the A&E department
once again crowded with anxious people


when it rains
you read of flash floods in the papers
people losing their homes
some even their lives or loved ones


when it rains
the traffic is horrifying, the jam endless
you missed appointments
or perhaps made it late to your movie


when it rains
it's difficult to catch a bus or a cab
the motorcyclist get caught under the bridge,
and you find yourself catching a cold


when it rains
the laundry don't get dried
clothes get wet, shoes get soaked,
appointments postponed, plans canceled


when it rains
all i could do is, stay in
cuddle under my blankets
rejecting awful dreams, thoughts and memories


give me a reason,
how can i not hate the rain?


the little magical song, i was taught during my childhood days:
rain, rain, go away,
come again another day...
rain, rain go away,
please, please, pleaseeeee....


-shinyin-


p/s: is there a sun God? we can do the sun dance ^^

p/ss: this is cheryl's response to this post, but i'm not sure how to comment in cblog. click here

when it's not all a bed of roses

it rained again,

not quite literally this time,
have you even give yourself that little bit of hope,
and then watch that little bit of hope evaporated from you?
like losing something you never actually had,
without realising, it just slipped off your hand,

and you have no one to blame,
as it was never yours to begin with…
the days get harder to past,
when more and more memories of the past,
and you created this space of pseudohappiness,
and filled that space up with all sorts of distractions,
and you have this high risk behaviour,
attention seeking perhaps,
i cannot be too sure,
but what’s the point of seeking the attention of everyone,
everyone except that little piece of hope,
the piece of hope, i now called history,
the piece of hope, i now called memory,
the piece of hope, i now called misery,

life goes on, doesn’t it?
i hope it does… i really do…

-shinyin-


Just a random song..
November Rain - by Guns and Roses

HappYness can be made up.

Of course happiness can be made up!

My friend, Boon Lee once taught me that the secret to happiness is POSITIVE THINKING. Waking up each morning, and telling yourself :

‘I am happy because I am alive’…

' I am happy because I am not late for class today'...

'I am happy because i have good friends'...

'I am happy because I am not sick today'....

then repeatedly use the words: ‘I am happy because… (fill in the blanks)….’ -throughout the day.

And I would respond to Boon Lee by saying : ‘I am happy because Boon Lee is going to give me RM100, like now’ with my palm held out to her. Hehe... Which she would then give me the you-don't-get-it look.

You are just deceiving yourself, Boon Lee. You cannot be happy all the time. No one can be THAT happy. It is pathological, to be that happy.

Although there was something similar written all over Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret. ASK-BELIEVE-RECEIVE.


Fact: Do you know that when you force a smile, it sends neurotransmitter to the brain to release ‘happy’ hormones (endorphins) ?

More facts: Other known endorphines releasing triggers: Chocolates, banana, hot chocolates, cozy blankets, a warm hug, innocent smiles of children.



Question: Why are some people happier than others? Even though they share similar lives, if not better? How is quality of life measured?

Answer: The secret to happiness, I personally think, is contentment. Positive thinking. And perhaps, even deception. Yes, be contented with the life you have, and to appreciate every moment of it, every person in it. Think positive. When given a lemon, try squeezing a smile out of it. Things may not appear that bad, there's always a silver lining... or rather, thinking the other way round, things could have been worse, but luckily, it wasn’t. Lastly, deception, the highest level of happiness – to make yourself happy, and believe so strongly that you are happy.

At this point, I needed that deception, however transient it may last.

Stories from my mother

You know, when one of my friend noticed that I was falling so often, he was suggesting, ‘maybe your parents did not do a good job in teaching you how to walk when you were small’.. I mean, falling like 3 times in less than 2 months period, is quite frequent, relatively, and to the extend I twisted my ankle, and suffered bruises, really, it was not so fun, and sometimes, even tiring and a little scary. Yes, I am tired of falling. Very tired. So, I tired to explore the possibilities, and I chatted with my mum….

He was partially right, my friend. My parents did not do a good job in teaching me how to walk. In fact, they didn’t teach me how to walk. When I was age 1 year old+, which was the appropriate age to start cruising and walking, I grew up in an environment where my dad, he was working outstation, and my mum, she was travelling here and there, between me and my dad. So, I was left with different babysitters, sometimes, with my aunt and cousins.

'did you remember my first word? what age did i start walking? when did i start wearing shoes or use meaningful words?' i asked, in attempt to access whether i had any developmental delay in the past... 'i don't know' mum answered, ' i was busy'. Then, I accidentally blurted out, ‘so, mum, that means you wasn’t there when I first started walking, started saying my first word, started playing and smiling’… She heart-brokenly replied, ‘I suppose so, you were a too-early-mistake’.. and I, I was heart-broken too… but I am 23 now, and I am beggining to understand that juggling between work and family, and life altogether is not easy…

i learnt a lot from my paediatry rotations... like it is important to continues stimulate your child... care for them, teach them... with love, and of course patience, lots of patience.... and the importance of developmental accessment, nutrition, and immunization.... and the little things in life, once you missed it, that's it.. the magic of early detection of developmental delay and therapy can make such a massive difference! when i find time, after exam, i'll explain more on DA or developmental accessment

p/s: Hmm.. perhaps, that still does not explain why I fall that frequent… I wonder whether there is a emotion part to it, you know, like how your body breaks down when you are feeling down, distracted or unstable, how physical signs shows when one is emotionally vulnerable.. or perhaps, people just need to learn how to walk, all over again,… or perhaps, to learn how to get up each time one fall… and not whine or cry after that…

i need anti-laziness

i have a case write up due tomorrow...
yet, i feel so lazy.....
i have an exam by the corner,
yet, i feel so lazy.....
i feel lazy even to blog....
lazy, lazy, lazy....
just darn lazy...
and i wonder,
is lazyness contagious?
it must have been,
if reading this made you feel lazy too...
haha!

i need anti-laziness....

falling...

I kept falling,
I do not know why,
I just do.

Whether it was physically
Or just emotionally
Or mentally
I fall

I fell again today, on my way to class, I did not know how it happened, It just did, I did not trip over anything, I just fell.

And the next thing I did was the rapid supination-pronation of wrist and hand-tapping test, to look for dysdiachokinesia. Though I knew that spinocerebellar ataxia was very unlikely, I did it anyway. Despite being a medical student, I do silly things anyway, and Susie had a great laugh when I told her this. oh well..

I fell again, at case presentation today, with Prof Wu, not physically though, it was a horrible experience, I would not like to elaborate. Perhaps it was the post-call syndrome, I could not be sure.

I fell even in my dreams. The scene repeatingly haunting me, I do not know why, I could not understand the times I wake up shouting.

I am tired of falling. Coz when I do fall, I fall deep. Sometimes you wonder, will you ever stand again.

I nearly got run down by a car today

I reformatted my laptop today,
It was easier than I expected, (credits to MK who taught me how)
The sun was good,
And so, I went jogging,
To celebrate the recovery of my left foot,
I guess we never realize or appreciate what we have
-until we lost it,
It still hurts a little, but it is okay,
I cannot see the finishing line,
I was sure whether is there a finishing line,
But I ran as fast as I could,
Running past so much, I could not be bother to notice,
Running hard, Running straight,
As if there were some reward at the end of the race,
My foot hurts,
I had to keep running, keep pushing further,
To squeeze that tiny bit of endorphins,
And I doubted the research on exercise releasing endorphins.
Thoughts clouded my mind,
I recited this as I ran,
Flashes of memory replayed in my head,
I was numbed, I hoped to be numbed.
Numbed is a good protective mechanism.
I needed to be numbed.
Oh, and if you were wondering about the title,
This was the part where I was nearly hit by a car,
I blamed my ipod for that,
Or rather it was me,
Holding on to something that did not exist.
The sun sets, signaling me to get home,
I was running a losing race,
And yet, here I am, still running,
A NEW BEGINNING – I said to myself,
I reformatted my life, when I reformatted my PC today.
Tomorrow is waiting.


 

 

 

Fullstops...

when you refused to start a new sentence after the fullstop,
you add a few dots following it,
each dot painfully making a hole,
leaving a scar,
only deeper each time,
the people around you turn the pages,
at 140kmph,
the world spins around,
and there you stood,
you wonder whether will anyone come back for you,
as you wait at the first stanza,
before you realized,
the poem has ended,
the book has been published,
and there you were,
still standing before the fullstop...

Coincidents

Coincidents, when they happened, they are scary…. So much so, I really do not know what to do… it's driving me crazy... and I wonder, oh God, why are you doing this to me? Although logically, I should feel glad, thankful maybe, but inside, it’s ripping me apart… no physiology can explain the chest tightness and increasing shortness of breathe,… the inhaler offers no comfort, I rejected help from a passerby, who pitifully watched me from the corner of her eyes… judging me perhaps, or just feeling sorry,... you made random calls, hoping to get some distractions,.. and you tried everything on the ‘shinyin, what should I do?’ guidebook,… switch on your defense mechanism, and you realized, sometimes, people are just stupid… and sometimes, I get to be one of them...

p/s: when you tried too hard avoiding something, it'll come haunting you instead.. it's some karma law or circle of life law, or whatever..

(Written on May 08, 2008 at 03:17 PM)

Transient Happiness

You hide your emotions behind the layers and layers of make up,
You hide your depression behind the layers and layers of words,

The wards were unusually quiet today,
Or was it I who turned down the volume,
I cannot believe I am in my final year, already,
It seemed like it started just yesterday.

It is not so much of the exams that I feared,
At least, not anymore,
Instead, I feared of life after that,
life after exams,
And I feared of not being able to perform,
I feared of disappointing others, disappointing myself,
Dealing with lives, it’s not something you can take lightly,
When every decision counts and makes a difference,
And I feared I may run, just the opposite direction,
Refusing to make that decision,
As I pull the brakes,
Shut the engine,
The way I shut myself out today.

Life must go on, isn’t it?
I cannot walk down this path blindfolded,
Can i?

Happiness is just transient,
And you knew that, didn’t you?


(Written on March 25, 2008 at 09:32 AM)

subtituting coffee with tea

95 days without coffee and still counting...

coffee, a man's best friend... accompanying you on late nights, when you need to burn the midnight oil, you closed your eyes and inhaled the unique aroma, coffee never disappoints you... until that very day, you were betrayed once, in tears and disappointment, you abandoned your very best friend, denied it's existent, avoided it at all cost, substituting coffee with tea at home, ordering orange juice instead at the coffeehouse, what an total humiliation to him, a cut into his strong ego.. And now, you feel the need to have him again, the withdrawal symptoms kick in, and you realized, you need him more than he needs you… without coffee, one cannot concentrate, I cannot concentrate.. the in box piling up, the out box with no effort to progress... I need the adrenaline...