Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Shadows from the past

Shadows from the past

I was making myself a drink in the kitchen, then I got distracted by a memory, a memory once forgotten, and somehow, by accident, or by chance, the cup fell and everything scattered, spilled all over the white tiled floor.

I suppose most people, perhaps almost everyone, must have had shadows of their past. Memories that they had forced themselves to forget, inhibited, locked in a safe, at the dark corner of their mind.

Yet, somehow, after a couple of months, sometimes even years, somehow, no matter how powerful your mind tries to inhibit the memories, you never quite forget them.

For Boon Lee, I suppose it must have been 'okane'. Even after happily married, one sudden day, her zhimui (sister friend) would suddenly watsapp her and say: guess what? I saw okane the other day on the street with another girl. Thought you would like to know. And the thing is, I could tell that there was a part of her which had not quite let go the shadow of her past.

God always have His plans. His reasons. As for me, when mine revisited my mind, I just had to spill everything. Pure foolishness and stupidity  I have to admit. So there I was, on my fours, scrubbing the floors of my kitchen. As the tiles became cleaner, my mind clearer. As if the shadows of my past being wiped away. I was so soiled that I had to took a shower after that. And that made me feel better.

It made me think. Does everyone else have a shadow of their past? How do they cope with it? What if they need to face it almost everyday? What if they lived in fear of being reminded of the past? Was I ever, by chance a shadow of someone else's?

P/s: Back to reality. No time for mind games, just finding excuses not to study. Sigh...

Sunday, June 9, 2013

The worst feeling is when someone makes you feel special, then suddenly leaves you hanging and you have to act like you don't care at all.

The worst feeling is when someone makes you feel special,
 then suddenly leaves you hanging
 and you have to act like you don't care at all.

I think at some point in life, we would have experienced this.


Whether it is from this guy or girl, lifting you up, giving promises with no expiry dates. 

Otherwise, it could be your boss giving you false signals on a promotion,
 huge bonus or increment. 

Sometimes, even a parent gives a child false hope, vice versa.

I started off wanting to blog about coping with this,
 coping with false hope.
Then i just stared into a blank page 
and realized that i have not figure out the answers myself either.

And i find that very often,
 i just close the door, hid it in the corner, 
put it aside and never want to talk about it. 

You close the door to your heart
as a protective mechanism to keep it safe from harm.
I guess ignorant is NOT a bliss, and not the best way to cope with this.

But i have hopes, 
(be positive!)
when i finally figure out how, 
i shall share it with you guys.
Till then, 
love, and be loved.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Are we just too busy building sand castles in the sky???

Some people reach a part of life where their lives become a routine, almost. Waking up at seven, getting ready, off to work, home, dinner, rest and relax, then off to bed. Then the cycle repeats again. Occasionally, something interesting takes place. Then you pause. Then you return back to your cycle.

Is it by force or is it by choice?

I envied those people who are still enjoying their study life. ‘Enjoy your study life now, as it is the best phase in life!’ I said. ‘Working is a whole other thing,’ my head shook.

Working changes a person. Or at least me. One get too caught up in work, all bundled up between the routines, that sometimes, they do forget the important things in life. Sometimes, they even forgot how to live. Perhaps it is the stress, maybe it is the heavy workload, or the way our mind and body overworked itself. With that, One put itself on autopilot mode to do the routines and go home, get to bed and sleep.

Being a mother changes a person. Between coaxing the baby to sleep, changing diapers and feeding the child, it is not easy. Not that I am a mother. Not yet, at least. One of my bestfriends, Audrey just delivered her baby three months back. From my observation, a mother is a full time 24 hours job. And it ain’t easy one bit!

One tries to make time for family, extended family, the other half, the colleagues, the university friends, the high school friends, and maybe the puppy too.

I have four weekends in a month. And out of four, two which I need to work, in Kuala Pilah. That is how precious my weekends are. So, I like to plan my weekends ahead. Not that I am not spontaneous, I just like to plan it out, so that I get the most out of it.

TIME. There is just not enough of it.

So subconsciously, one tries to prioritize the things in life. And the bad thing about prioritizing is, along the way, some things (or some people) are sacrificed.  

For instance, my blog. The last post was in January 2013. The last confession shared dated April 22 2012, or April 24 - which was nearly a year ago. So,yes, my BloG, is dying. And each time i attempt to resuscitate it, it beats a while, gasps a few breaths, and then goes flat line again. Blogging, something which I once enjoyed doing very much, something which was once a part of me, it was somewhat surgically removed my life. And I am not even married with kids yet!

So, like I said, studying IS one of the best times in life. Perhaps your biggest worries back then were passing examinations, the new pimple on your left cheek, or whether the cute guy next door likes you. And if you are unlucky, school bullies. But well, that is it.

So, I still envied those people who are still studying. But, well, I had my time, so move on.

Bottom line here is, just in case I had deviated too far: Indeed, working had became  the new part of my life, the new me, but I would just like to remind myself, before i embark further on, yes, I NEED to remind myself, not to lose myself along the way.

There is more to life than just work. Family, friends, loved ones.  Do not allow them to be subconsciously surgically removed from your life. Do not allow the distance to space out. It takes both sides to fight for each other.

Bryan Dyson once said: Value has a Value only if its Value is Valued 

TIME. There is just not enough of it. 
Yet, we HAVE to FIND time. 
Yes, We NEED to MAKE time.

Do not lose yourself.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Listen, Listen, LISTEN, Let Me Speak....

WELL SAID BAWANI!!! you are the voice of the people and you are strong and courages!!! Puan Sharifah should let Bawani finish first and not cut her short, and take away her mic. She is just a child. Let her finish then teach her and guide her.

Bawani have to learn to be more calm and less emotional... She may be slightly provocative, but she is just a student, it is forgivable...  however, Sharifah, you are the President of Suara Wanita 1Malaysia (SW1M), one of the leaders of Malaysia, yet you portrayed such poor professionalism and had degraded yourself... if this is how is shall be, i wouldn't want you to speak for me... 

Besides, there were some flaws in Bawani's speech, like the calculations she gave, surely, we need more money than that to educate the people... a medical degree (at private) itself  cost half a million per person!! But Sharifah did not tell her that, she did not correct her, and she did not answer her question or clear her doubts.. this will only leave the girl lost, and later easily manipulated by others,... so, sharifah, you have disappoint us...

We can learn from other countries. It is good to know our shortcomings so that we can reflect in ourselves and learn to improve ourselves, our country... there is so much Potential in Malaysia!! We should not just be contented and not want to work further,... NO, we should strive harder for a better future for our later generation... and for God sake, stop talking about animals, what does the animals have to do with our election system and our educational system... the ministry should send a better representative to chair the meeting,... the rebuttal is just ridiculous!! animals and all,... please,.. your thinking seemed more shallow than the child,.. surely, you should be able to do better than naming all the types of animals on earth!! no credits for that sharifah! 

if it was not on video, i would not have believed it myself... i only feel sad that there was noone else in the hall to back up Bawani,... i would have, if i were there,... shame on the other students!!

A: Can i say a few things? Can i say a few words?
B: No, Hijrah, i think all this things are very child....
---> no respect for the person on stage, and broken english...

how disappointing to see this

As much as i love my country, and despite Puan Sharifah asking me to go to Cuba and Argentina, etc... i like to believe that there is still hope for our country.... my brain ask me to leave, but my heart say stay,... and perhaps, this is love,... and i hope that our love will be appreciated and we will have better leaders...

p/s: an entertaining clip from Namewee to cheer you up!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013



is too complicated to understand, analyse or interpret,


you just have to take that leap of faith,

and fall for it


Author's Note

Dear friends and readers, Thank you for dropping by and leaving comments/ shoutouts. More importantly, thank you for being there... please accept my apology that, lately, i may be busy with work and not have time to reply youir messages/comments, but rest assured, each and everyone is read, and highly appreciated :) have a nice day! ^^

of love

Today, i heard a story which was not a story of falling...
of living in the dark end of winter turmoil..
instead, it was a love story..
of a couple who did not live happily ever after...
but they live, loving each other..