I do not believe in long distance relationships

I do not believe in long distance relationship.

I never did.

I am not saying that it does not work.

I am just saying that it does not work for me.

So when he said:

‘give me a chance, give us a chance,

I promise to make an effort to come and see you every week’

He said confidently,

I was skeptical,

Usually, i do not commit, until i am really really REALLY sure,

which i rarely am,

Nevertheless,

It was a miracle, the way we met,

Almost like a fairytale came true,

And God was on his side,

So, i took a leap of faith,

We took the step.

And he kept his word.

Then, one stormy night, after a long day at work, I got his phone call.

…..

She: So, what will we be doing this weekend?

He: I cannot see you this weekend. My brother is back from Singapore. He’ll be here on Fri, Sat, Sun.

And the process of DABDA(Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance)  begins:

She (in denial): But you promised. Remember, last week, you promised to come on fri,sat,sun!

He: Yes, but I didn’t know my brother will be back

She (in bargaining) : What if you spend time with your brother on fri + sat, then we can spend time on Sunday

He: No, I can’t

She (in depression) : Whatever, do anything you like…

(chat randomly on something else)

She (in depression + sleepiness) : Do anything you like…

He: I think you sound sleepy. Good night

The next day, having in mind that she better plan the weekend,

she texted : You really not seeing me on sunday?

Then he texted:

[Anyway, I need to share this with you. I feel that you are being unreasonable this time, especially what you said to me on the phone last night. He is my brother and it’s been a very long time that I had seen him. This time he is back just for the weekend. I won’t be seeing him that often anymore. I understand that you love me very much and miss me. I do too. Unfortunately, this shows insecurity, and it is a concern. Probably I had come see you every week and it had been a commitment to you, you have taken it for granted. I don’t like what you say everytime you are angry. It hurts me and I can’t sleep on it. This had been an ongoing problem for me. I need my own personal space. But that does not mean that I don’t love you. I just need some space and respect from you]

Such a long text out of the blue.

Selective reading just read one word: SPACE

A vocabulary so new to our relationship.

This not about this weekend or any weekends anymore.

Had I been so naïve that perhaps He did not shared the same enthusiasm of meeting up during the weekends? Perhaps a person’s joy had been another person’s burden? Was it really that suffocating? Why none was mentioned in the beginning itself?

Was I really that hard to get along? Was I suffocating him?

Is it wrong for a girlfriend to demand for more time?

Or is it better for a girlfriend to not demand at all? And be all excited like [yippie, I don’t have to see you this weekend?]

What type of girlfriend tells his boyfriend: It’s okay if you have not prepare anything for my birthday, we can postpone it next time…. Celebrate it next time…

(still being postponed at the moment)

Maybe I have not much experience in relationships, but I do know one, some problem can be solved, and this one is not one of those problems.

So it hit me hard, perhaps he was just tolerating and keeping it all inside until one day, it all burst out.

All guys want their personal SPACE. I am sure some girls will agree with this.

Guys have this ego and primitive need for SPACE.

And Girls can be clingy, over-attached and demanding.

If giving him mon-fri personal space is still not enough, I do not know what more to give.

Daily phone calls every night before sleep, becomes EOD, then biweekly. Slowly tapering…

Perhaps, it’s Kuala Pilah! Living away from home and close friends making me feel so miserable.Having to adapt all over again. On top of being in a department not of one choice, and having bad bad calls. Now, not even the weekends to look forward to. No one seemed to understand the feeling.

I will learn to be more considerate.

I will learn not to demand.

I will learn to detach myself.

I will above all, learn to let go.

Maybe, some puzzles were never meant to find their match.

Lesson #1: Never fall too deep into a relationship. It is a death trap.

Lesson # 2: If you love something, set it free. Give them space (or whatever)

Lesson #3 : Never, NEVER take family picture with your boyfriend family. No matter how good terms you are in. Even if at that moment, you believed that he is the one. Because, if things do not work out, years down the line, when someone asked : who is that girl ? He’ll have to answer: Oh that’s my EX, the bit*h.  And it can be quite awkward.

Lesson #4: Never, never, NEVER book a holiday with your boyfriend 1 year in advance on your credit card. You are no fortune teller, you'll never know what will happen in 1 year time.

So, welcome readers, I’m back to blogging again. I will now spend more time on myself.  Perhaps, I have been neglecting my personal space long enough.

And people say girls are complicated.

I think guys equally are.

I did not believe in long distance relationship.

Now, I do not even believe in relationship.

p/s: fyi, he met his brother 2 weeks ago and his brother is looking for a job in Singapore.
p/ss: even his brother once said he loves his car more than his girl.
(perhaps, everything else)

Dear diary,

Dear diary,

I had been rather depressed (correction: emotional) for the past week. It is a feeling that is rather hard to express. I wanted to get a drink, maybe to chill out and relax, to forget everything, yet, I couldn't.

That was when I realized, I had no one here to turn to.

I DO NOT BELONG HERE.

I am not the sociable kind of person.

I am not friendly.

I am not histrionic.

I do not open up easily to a friend, it takes time, time to build trust and comfort.

(at least in my case)

So, I had to pay for the consequences for being who I am.

I had a problem with adaptation. I always had. When I move to a new place, I would try to run away from it.

I dread being in a new place. It gives me no comfort, that new place.

Maybe it was partly because of my childhood memory, the time when I was 9 year old, and my family decided to move from Subang Jaya to Seremban. I was suddenly told that I had to leave. I resented it. And No, I had no vote in it. And I left, without a word or notice.

So, each time I go somewhere new, I get the same feeling all over again.

When I first shifted to Seremban, I resented it in my new primary school. I was exceptionally quiet – according to my report card. When I entered university, same resentment. And when I came to Melacca- resentment.

I hate it that everytime, when I reach a comfort zone, I had to leave.

And here, I am unsure, whether I have found my comfort zone.

Funny, being nearly two years here in Melaka,.. I had not one person to turn to in times of sadness.

I just could not open up. (it’s not them, it’s me) Friends here are cool, nice, but just, we do not talk feelings. We are lunch partners, dinner partners, shopping-partners, movie-partners, bowling-partners, happy-times-partners. They see me as a happy person, having a good career, a good family, a good boyfriend.  Even when my world turns up-side-down.

Perhaps, it is because, at every opportunity, I ran home. When it is the weekends, even when I am post-call, tired and sleepy, I grab the keys and drive. I had to. I just had to get out of here.  I missed my high school days and university days, those times that we can talk about almost anything.

I DO NOT BELONGED HERE.

IT IS TIME TO DECIDE, TO STAY OR TO MOVE.

I know I will miss my happy-times-partners…. And I feared again, the need to adapt again, the resentment.

My mum said, this is the circle of life, friends come and go. And I noticed, my mum is so occupied with work and family, she never meets up with any of her old friends. ‘we lost touch’ – she said.

It makes me wonder, will I be like that when I grow older, reach forties.

I think mum is a very strong women.

And I, I am not as strong as her. 

I needed friends, close friends, the happy-times-and-sad-times-friends. 

Just in case, if things did not turn out well, I needed something to fall on.

oh boy, why is it so darn hard to feel happy?

my eyes are painful,
somewhat red from all the rubbing,
somewhat watery from all the tearing...

my heart is retching,
aching with each breathe i take,
hurting with every thoughts of you...

why?
when you promised happiness,
you gave pain instead?
why?
when you said you will be there,
you were not?
why?
when you made promises,
you broke them one by one?

is it true?
that one need to walk down the path,
the path covered with shattered glass,
and let their feet bleed,
with every step,
sharp pain shooting up the spine,
yet, thou shall keep walking,
to reach the destination of happiness...

what if you thought you have found happiness,
and later found out,
that it was all a white lie...
a fairytale that never exist,
a pacifier for little kids...

i wondered how could you have let it be,
how could you have let it go,
perhaps, somethings weren't as important,
perhaps sweet words, were only words...

and i,
i only deserved to be in this dark space...

perhaps what they predicted was right
everyone was given a certain amount of happiness
and i am starting to reach the end of my quota...
the tip of the toothpaste tube....


oh boy, why is it so darn hard to feel happy?

The truth of a doctors' life.... in despair and disappointment....

my mind has been very undecisive lately... tired and exhausted... heart heavy and disappointed...

and today i came across this article... which reflects my daily working life 99%!!

i wonder whether our superiors knows what is going on... and i wonder how they can allow it to continue going on... life as a housemanship is like sh*t... and MOship is no better... even when i see the specialist, they are having a hard time... it's the system, it really needs improvement...

i would like to share that article by MS Mohamad with you... it speaks the mind (and heart) of a number of us serving the government...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why we left and why we will continue to leave...

Posted by: MS Mohamad

I read an interesting article today about a few prominent figures addressing their concern over the increasing UKM and UM medical graduates who have left the country to continue their medical practice overseas.

After reading the news for 3 times, I called a very close friend, an MD (UKM) graduate to ask his opinion on how the news might have affected him. He has been working in Singapore for more than a decade as a Consultant Surgeon with a certain sub-specialty

"Why be a slave in your own country, when you are a king in another?" He replied.

Indeed, if anybody would want to find a reason why all of us left, either after housemanship, after being a specialist, or even after sub specializing, and now, even prior to doing housemanship, they need not look at our payslip, or the wealth that we have gained overseas, but only to the Medical System that has been rotting in the ignorance and politic-based stupidity that Malaysia has been well-known for (in the medical field).

I have served the system for nearly 2 decades of my career, waiting for it to improve for so long, and only finding myself in despair, quitting with a 24-hour notice and serving abroad. The system is, in my opinion, keeping doctors, since the beginning of their career as House Officers to the end of it, in the lowermost priority. When I was working there, doctors are so ill-treated, while the nurses and the medical assistants are overpowering us.

I still remember the days when I was doing seeing patients and rounds as an MO, while the staff nurses would mind their own business, having breakfast in the pantry, or having gossip chats at their own leisure. My House Officers would then have to do merely all the labour-work, up to the extent of setting intravenous drips, and serving medications. If I am to expect the nurses, my patients would have been dead, or the work would have been too slowly or incompletely done.

When I was a House Officer, I had to run down 4-5 floors just to review a blood investigation of a dying dengue patient. The ward staff would either be nowhere around, or will say that he is busy (busier than the doctor?) or the answer I got at that time:

"Doktor nak cepat, doktor turun sendirilah, gaji doktor lagi banyak dari saya"

Even when I was a Specialist, the staff nurses had to be called again and again just to make sure the management plan for the patient would be done. I was already used to answers from them:

“I’m busy with something else"

“My shift is already over"

...it was routine for me.

The Medical Assistants were worse. They would hide behind their so-called boss, the Head of Medical Assistant. They feel hiding behind him would make them not under our jurisdiction, that we have no power to instruct them in managing the patient, that they have power to manage own their own. I've seen them giving medications not as we prescribed, performing procedures without our knowledge, as if they are the actual "Doctors". They are in their own world, and we have to do their job, taking blood, labelling samples, and even cleaning gadgets from the procedures that we have done.

Oh, but the ministry loves this group. They even let them run a clinic now, instead of upgrading the clinics already run by doctors. The government feels that the MAs are very important and should never be ill-treated by those big bad doctors. One time when I was a District Hospital Medical Officer, I was conducting a delivery of a baby. An MA insisted that I remove my car which was block-parking his car. I answered through the phone that I was busy.

He came to the labor room and yelled "Semua orang pun sibuk jugak, macamlah doktor seorang yang sibuk!”

It is insulting that an MA or a staff nurse claims that they are BUSY, as busy as a doctor? As a Malaysian Doctor, I have even worked for 72 hours straight. I have experienced working until my 6 month old daughter did not recognize me at the end of the week.

Is that how busy they are? I am very sure that they are so busy, that they can only spend 2 hours at the nearby Mamak stall, or can only leave at 5:10 PM instead of 5, or can only have 1 hour of lunch.

The management staffs are worse. I have to beg and plead so that I can get my on-call claims, of RM25 per 48 hours of work. While sitting in an air-conditioned office, they will at their own leisure, process my call claims so that I will receive them by the next decade.

The state health or Hospital Director would just give another inspirational talk (of bollocks) on team effort and beauty of teamwork.

That is how Malaysian doctors are treated in the government sector: without respect, without dignity and without significance. Why?

It is because we are bound by ethics to try our best to save lives, despite how ill-treated we are. We hardly have time to complaint because we are too busy or tired, and we would rather spend the precious time resting or seeing our loved ones. The burden of trying to save lives is on our shoulders alone. No MAs or Staff nurses would shoulder it with us. They have their own bosses: the Sisters, Matrons, or Head of MAs, which job description is to ensure that the big bad doctors will not ask their underlings to do extra work.

This is how the Malaysian Ministry of Health have treated their doctors. I am very sure that in each and every doctor, there is a slowly-burning patience in serving the Malaysian people, which will eventually fade and cause them to surrender to serving a place that treats them better.

A few colleagues who graduated from UK choose to serve there:

"The pay is more, and we get the respect we deserve"

Another works in Brunei:

“Here the staff nurses respect Malaysian doctors, and they are very co-operative" (He ended up marrying one)

A few are consultants in Singapore (working with me):

"Here we are treated well, we spearhead the management, and every else do their work to the best of their capabilities".

A few even enjoys working in Indonesia:

“The work-load is horrible since there are a lot of patients, but we are well respected by every hospital personnel" (They have migrated there for nearly a decade)

I am sure that people will see doctors as power-hungry individuals who want to be the boss in the hospital. Trust me, after having graduated 6-7 years of medical school, earning a DEGREE, and subsequently MASTERS, and SUBSPECIALITY, you would expect a degree of respect and being considered important. We are trying our best to improve patient's quality of life, or making sure he lives another day. Is it too much to ask from the system that we are important?

I find that Malaysia is the only country that is making doctors' lives miserable and treated like rubbish. It was never about the pay in the first place. It is about the treatment we are getting and the false political-based promises. Do you know that the so-called circular about doctors can have the day off after working 24 hours straight released JULY 2009 is not yet implemented? Do you know that the raise of UD 41 to 44 does not involve every doctor in the government service?

We are waiting for improvement. We have waited a long time when we were working in the system. Somewhere along the line we decided to leave and wait outside the system. Until the system changes, we will continue to work overseas, in countries which are appreciative of us. Trust me, Malaysian-graduate doctors are considered highly skilful and competent in neighbouring countries, and the 15 % brain drain is more significant than you think.

We will return when the system prioritize us and gives us the quality of life we deserve.

If it stays the same, Malaysian Hospitals would end up having Staff nurses and Medical Assistants as "Doctors", and we would have to send patients to Indonesia for an appendicectomy.

Hear our voice. We hardly speak, but will usually fade away from conflict (and fly to another place).

original article here

deceptions

23.07.2009

I lived in a world of lies.
Deceptions.


And so, I wore a mask today.
Hoping that it would hide all emotions.
Secrets.
Hoping to numbed those feelings.
To shadow them away,
The slightest clue, the minute hint,
Perhaps, everything.

It had not been raining for quite a while.
Until today.

They said that one will grow stronger with time.
I doubt I’ll ever will.
The emotions, greater than what my heart is able to contain.
The burden, heavier that what I can shoulder.
No one told me it was going to me like this.
No one told me that I was to be less human.

I do not want to get used to seeing this,
To get used to being less emotional,
To be accustomed to seeing illnesss, disease, deaths and loss,
When hopes shattered, love is lost,
And we could not even say that we had done our very best,

I learnt 3 new words:
1. FATE
2. LIMITATION
3. PURE UNLUCKYNESS

there has been a death in the opposite house

picture by enchantress

Date: 23.07.2009
Time: Post-Call 36 hours
Weather: Raining heavily

Problem List/ Chief Complains:
1. Menstrual Day 1
2. + a terrible headache
3. + temperature spiking
4. + a really bad call...
5. + a really, really, discouraging, demotivating, spirit-breaking, on-call MO


i thought things could never get worse,
but it did...

Let me shared an old poem with you by Emily Dickinson.
Perhaps, it could best express the dark feelings in me...
together, let's say a silent prayer...



There's been a death in the opposite house
As lately as to-day.
I know it by the numb look
Such houses have alway.

The neighbors rustle in and out,
The doctor drives away.
A window opens like a pod,
Abrupt, mechanically;

Somebody flings a mattress out,--
The children hurry by;
They wonder if It died on that,--
I used to when a boy.

The minister goes stiffly in
As if the house were his,
And he owned all the mourners now,
And little boys besides;

And then the milliner, and the man
Of the appalling trade,
To take the measure of the house.
There'll be that dark parade

Of tassels and of coaches soon;
It's easy as a sign,--
The intuition of the news
In just a country town.

-by Emily Dickinson

An Unfortunate Event @ KK

Event: Cellphone stolen (pickpocket)
Model: K750i
Venue: Kota Kinabalu Night Market
Time : 9:47pm
Weather : Gloomy


After a day trip at Kota Klias, watching Probosis Monkeys and fireflies, still half awake and drowsy, we decided to dropped by KK's infamous night market to buy some avocardo drink... well, i heard it was infamous for its variety of food, the crowd, but little did i know, it was also famous for the evil pick-pockets/snatch thieves who lurks the dark corner of the market...

The night market was bright, colourful. I snapped a few pictures, i wondered whether he must have spotted me that moment. We dropped by a few fruit stalls. Blended Avocardo, we insisted we wanted that, and persisted until we found a stall which sells them. The last avocardo, not very fresh. So, we decided to buy an avocardo from another stall, and bring it to the blended fruit drink stall for our blended avocardo. I know, we sound almost too persistent.

Could it be the auntie at the fruit stall? The little boy whom i waved to as he brought his little orange juice? The guy who sells cigarettes at the corner, with his evil hawk eyes? The man who brushed past? The lovely ladies at the fruit drink stalls? The many people whom passed us by? I really cannot tell...

and i wondered,

Should i have been more careful, perhaps things like this can be avoided... if i didn't want avocardo juice, if i would have just go home like a contented little kid, if i wasn't so distracted by the night market scene, if i wasn't watching the little boy at the orange juice stall, if i hadn't wander off to the corner of the market, if i hadn't put my phone in my pocket, if only the phone wasn't in a black velvet pouch with a string, it just made it too easy for him.... tempting in fact... too many ifsss....

i concluded that: When we go out to crowded places, EVERYONE is a pick-pocket until proven otherwise...

when i am less careful, it's my fault? am i to blame? or simply my bad luck?

then i wondered, why do people steal? Why do people take things that doesn't belong to them?

Perhaps, they were very poor people who had many mouths to feed, struggling to make ends met. NO. NO, this does not gives you the right to steal. Stealing, is unforgivable.

Would you steal if you had the chance? Would you take something which if not yours? What if you know that you would not get caught and would be punished? Is it the laws and regulations that hold you back? or simply the principal that thou shall not steal?

Tell a lie, that's stealing a person's right to the truth.
Kill a person, that's stealing a person's life, stealing a husband from a wife, stealing a father from his children.
Rape a women, that's stealing her rights, her dignity.

Stealing is indeed one of the worst sins on Earth.

Anyway, back to my story. Well, i can think positive, like i'm glad noone got hurt and my new camera wasn't stolen. Yet, losing this phone who had been with me through thick and thin, it's still depressing. i've got like 5 or more congratulations wishes, that i can have an excuse to get a new phone... but not now, not when i'm totally broke,... and my laptop dead... and i'm currently unemployed... life sucks, sometimes....

dear God, WHY ME?

i carry your heart, i carry it in my heart....

It took me a while whether to change my header,
and i did, several times...

My Valentine's probably started like this....

with a Forensic Exam...
cramming all the facts in my head...
Hangging, Strangulation, Drowning, Burns, Lightning, Road Traffic Accidents, Gun-shoot wounds, sudden deaths,
Signs of death, post-mortem changes, types of wounds,
hypostasis, contact whitening, time of death,

rigor mortis, cadaveric spasm, color changes, Casper's Dictum,
Adipocere, Mummification, Maceration,
Cause, Manner, Mode,
Natural, Homicide, Suicide, Accidental...
child abuse, abortion, sexual crime, surgical procedure associated,
medico-legal aspects,
etc, etc, etc...

don't get me wrong,
Forensic is very interesting...
but i just hate exams,
that's all...
and i was sick,
so very sick...
AEBA secondary to URTI,
with a terrible flu,
a painful throat...
stress-induced?
yup, i was falling sick, with forennnsicccc...
and of all day,
today...

i can't decide which is worse,
not having a person to share valentine's,
or having a person, but not having to share it with him/her...
or sharing it with someone you don't really liked...
breaking up on Valentine's?
or losing your loved ones to God on Valentines..

i did wonder for a moment,
whether Valentine's was Satan's evil idea,
and therefore Singles Awareness Day
and Black Day
were created.....

Anyway, my day improved,
i went shopping later in the evening..
i think i overcame the anti-valentine's feelings..
haha!
but i also i think i overspent...
well, i didn't think so when i was spending though..
haha...

anyway, back to my header...
i thought this was nice...

but hey,
whether single or attached,
whether together or apart,
whether if he's across the ocean,
Valentine's is a time for Love...
please don't hate Valentines..



so here's a poem,
by E E Cummings:
(so i had this in my mind, and designed a new header...)

i carry your heart with me
(i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it
(anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

so touched today :)

i sooooo moved and touched today... because ka fei and honey posted English translation in their blog for me!! yeay! finally, i can read their blogs liao! yippie! im sing tried to blog in English too, but i think she gave up half way.. hehe...

confessions of a medical student #45 : i can't read Chinese.... i know, you can go ahead and laugh, call me banana of whatever names you can think of... sigh... condemn me for not knowing the Chinese language... it's not the first time, anyway... you know, maybe i didn't had the luxury of attending a Chinese primary school,.. there's so many nice Chinese books i would love to read, if i could... and those Chinese songs i had to learn and memorize by heart... going to the karaoke but not able to sing Chinese songs... disappointed when some Korean/Japanese movies only have Chinese subtitles... and when you go to the Chinese food stall, being unable to read the food menu, you kindly ask the hawker what he have, and he would give you a cruel 'can't-you-read?' stare... eventually, i learn to figure out a few words... once i told my friend that if he sees a single syllable word which is super hard to write, it's indefinitely porridge... and susan just laughed out loud... haha!.... but seriously, it's true and logical right?? oh well... and sometimes, sometimes, it does feel painful, almost stabbing, when being segregated by your very own race.. sigh.. i shall not elaborate on the feelings... don't wanna get too emo today...

but of course, there were not too bad days too... i do remember clearly, when i was attending a camp in form one, a Chinese Language Society Camp, (i don't know how shinLoo successfully talk me into attending the camp), but anyway, it was really hard for me at first... then i remember, there was this senior committee, Ah Fatt, who actually translated every activity/announcement during the entire camp, (every single word!),despite me being the ONLY one who doesn't know much Chinese.... so nice, right?? and, by the way, the camp was fun! and i was glad shinloo dragged me along :)

and there were those really bad times too, like the first day i stepped into UKM, during orientation week, i could not understand why did they liked to separate the races, and the Chinese would be grouped together for some 'ethical talks'.. and when the senior (forgotten his name) asked 'who do not know Mandarin, raise your hands' - which i eagerly did, and despite the few of us, i think about 10 of us, who raised our hands, the senior just nod with a 'okay, just-a-minority' look, and said 'ask your friend next to you to translate to you'.. and continue talking (in Chinese)... my heart literally break that day, how i missed home so much....

i think, the worse thing was, i innocently grew up, believing that about half the Chinese population in Malaysia don't know Chinese as well... i thought not knowing Chinese was a norm... because in Seremban, there was King George V, St Paul, Convent, ACS.... while as for Chinese School, there were just Chan Wa and Chung Hua High School.... and SMK Bukit Mewah, of course... so, i grew up with people who spoke English... i grew up believing that everyone does that too... it was only in university that i realized the harsh reality...

okay, shinyin, don't get too emo... i did finally picked up some Chinese along the way... thanks to my housemates and friends who helped me all the way... i know, stopping you all at mid-sentence with a blur look can sometimes be irritating... hehe..... do bear with me...

anyway, thanks a lot, my friends!! thank you for spending the time and effort... thanks a million to ka fei, honey and scent for the translation on your blogs, and thanks a lot to all my friends who helped me cope with the language barrier and cultural shock..... i really, Really, REALLY appreciate it.. and this blogpost is dedicated to you all~ *muaks*

p/s: learning a bit of Chinese in university, is beneficial too, it comes in handy when clerking patients, especially really old patients who had poor command in BahasaMelayu and English.. i learned terms like Prostate cancer, Anemia, Breast Cancer, Cyst, schizophenia, MDD, etc in Mandarin and Cantonese... thanks to my friends who patiently taught me well ^^

I nearly got run down by a car today

I reformatted my laptop today,
It was easier than I expected, (credits to MK who taught me how)
The sun was good,
And so, I went jogging,
To celebrate the recovery of my left foot,
I guess we never realize or appreciate what we have
-until we lost it,
It still hurts a little, but it is okay,
I cannot see the finishing line,
I was sure whether is there a finishing line,
But I ran as fast as I could,
Running past so much, I could not be bother to notice,
Running hard, Running straight,
As if there were some reward at the end of the race,
My foot hurts,
I had to keep running, keep pushing further,
To squeeze that tiny bit of endorphins,
And I doubted the research on exercise releasing endorphins.
Thoughts clouded my mind,
I recited this as I ran,
Flashes of memory replayed in my head,
I was numbed, I hoped to be numbed.
Numbed is a good protective mechanism.
I needed to be numbed.
Oh, and if you were wondering about the title,
This was the part where I was nearly hit by a car,
I blamed my ipod for that,
Or rather it was me,
Holding on to something that did not exist.
The sun sets, signaling me to get home,
I was running a losing race,
And yet, here I am, still running,
A NEW BEGINNING – I said to myself,
I reformatted my life, when I reformatted my PC today.
Tomorrow is waiting.


 

 

 

The Baby

I performed a post-mortem today. He was an unwanted baby left by the streets.
Name : Unknown (Let’s just call him, Baby)
Age : Unknown
Race : Unknown
Parents : Unknown
Body found: 03/07/2008 0610
Autopsy on: 04/07/2008 0935
The umbilical cord and placental was still attached to Baby, when I saw him on the forensic table. The forensic room was unusually cold today. The layers of clothing wrapped around me did no help at all. I felt that the world was too cruel,.. how could anyone just abandon a baby on the street! With placental attached and cord unclamped… theorically, either the baby had died in-utero, or he was left to die by the streets…

We proceeded with forensic investigations. Baby was inspected for any injuries. His eyes were dark, staring back melancholy. His expression was stiff. He had a crooked jaw, and excessive caput and moulding. For the benefit of non-medical students, if the baby had caput(swelling at the head) or moulding (overlapping skull bones), this indicate that this baby was delivered SVD (spontaneous vertex delivery, head out first) and not a breech delivery. There were no injuries at the buttocks.

Sex: Boy
Weight: 2.20kg

Then, we investigated the age of the baby. We concluded that he was a term baby evidenced by:
1. Creases on the hands and feet
2. Body hair measuring 10mm
3. Testes palpable in the scrotum (already descended)
4. Dark meconium passed out (passed motion)
5. When cut across the calcaneum (one of the bones at the heel), from the 3rd toe towards the middle of the heel, we could appreciate secondary ossification center of the bones (bone maturation). Secondary ossification takes place at the 8th months, therefore Baby was at least 8 month old(40weeks), term.

Measurements of Baby’s parameter were corresponding to a term baby. Placental 14cm x 17cm x 2.5cm, complete, with blood clots.

The brain was removed, weight and sliced. The brains did not appear hypoxic.

Later, we continued by autopsying the lungs, liver, spleen, heart and kidneys to look for any other pathological injury or disease. A suspension test was done: Baby’s lung was squeeze flat and put into a bowl of water. We found that the lungs floated on the water, which translates to -> there was air in Baby’s lung -> Baby breath first, then die -> this was a livebirth -> baby was delivered SVD and left dying…

Sigh, the world is a cruel world… I could not imagine any mother in this world who could have left a crying baby to die. Before this, I had witnessed many mothers in the labour room who would do ANYTHING to save their baby… different maneuvers, pushing as hard as possible, enduring the pain… But this mother, I really could not comprehend..

A teenage mother came across my mind. Perhaps she was young, confused and did not know what to do with the baby. Prof Adeeb said: Guys only know how to make the girl pregnant. But I suppose the father of Baby did not even know the existence of Baby.

Girls out there, for God’s sake, if you EVER had premarital sex, please use contraception. Condom not only protects you from pregnancies, it also protects you from STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) and HIV.

And IF you missed that contraception, options are MORNING-AFTER-PILLS within 72hours after sex. The eithical issue in this was if morning-after pills became widely available through pharmacies, unscrupulous men could exploit vulnerable young women by saying: "you can always go to the chemist and get the morning-after pill." Do see a doctor to check health status and medical history for anything which might make taking such pills dangerous.

And IF you missed your period that month, please do a pregnancy test.

And IF the test was positive, please discuss with your partner or your family, whether should you continue with the pregnancy and raise the baby.

IF you plan to keep the baby, please ensure that you can mentally and financially support the baby. Raising a baby is not easy. If you are not capable of it, you can discuss with the social worker to give the baby up for adoption, either to a family member or by others.

AND PLEASE SEE A DOCTOR EARLY FOR BOOKING AND ANTENATAL SCREENING.

The first visit is the most important visit, where antenatal screening will be done (eg: Height, Weight, Blood Pressure, Hemoglobin level, Blood Grouping, VDRL/HIV/Hepatitis B Screening, Urine analysis). Any disease eg: Anemia, Diabetes Melitus, Hypertension, if detected early can be controlled and managed to optimize both mother and fetal throughout pregnancy and for delivery. An early dating scan (pelvic ultrasound scan) is very important before 20 weeks to know the age of the baby, the right time to deliver and to detect nuchal translucency (suggestive of down syndrome).

The risk of keeping the pregnancy to term without antenatal screening and follow up is increase morbidity and mortality to BOTH fetal and mother. And attempting to deliver a baby on your own is certainly VERY UNSMART! It’s not easy to deliver a baby and the pain is terrible (without analgesia). GO TO THE NEAREST HOSPITAL. Why else do you think medical student had to study 5years and midwifes 4years to understand that? YOU AND YOUR BABY COULD DIE

IF you wish to terminate the pregnancy, please go to a clinic and seek professional medical advice. Some might argue that a TOP (Termination Of Pregnancy) is unethical, but compared to bringing a baby to term and living it to die by the streets, I shall leave it for you to decide. According to WHO (World Health Organization), any pregnancy below 22 weeks is not yet a viable fetal. Religious and cultural beliefs may have a different opinions. The process of TOP, I shall leave it to another blog entry… I guess I should pen off here, this had been a long entry. Glad you made it to this line! :)

I hoped for a better world, still hoping…



Related links:
My 1st Forensic Experience