I had been rather depressed (correction: emotional) for the past week. It is a feeling that is rather hard to express. I wanted to get a drink, maybe to chill out and relax, to forget everything, yet, I couldn't.
That was when I realized, I had no one here to turn to.
I DO NOT BELONG HERE.
I am not the sociable kind of person.
I am not friendly.
I am not histrionic.
I do not open up easily to a friend, it takes time, time to build trust and comfort.
(at least in my case)
So, I had to pay for the consequences for being who I am.
I had a problem with adaptation. I always had. When I move to a new place, I would try to run away from it.
I dread being in a new place. It gives me no comfort, that new place.
Maybe it was partly because of my childhood memory, the time when I was 9 year old, and my family decided to move from Subang Jaya to Seremban. I was suddenly told that I had to leave. I resented it. And No, I had no vote in it. And I left, without a word or notice.
So, each time I go somewhere new, I get the same feeling all over again.
When I first shifted to Seremban, I resented it in my new primary school. I was exceptionally quiet – according to my report card. When I entered university, same resentment. And when I came to Melacca- resentment.
I hate it that everytime, when I reach a comfort zone, I had to leave.
And here, I am unsure, whether I have found my comfort zone.
Funny, being nearly two years here in Melaka,.. I had not one person to turn to in times of sadness.
I just could not open up. (it’s not them, it’s me) Friends here are cool, nice, but just, we do not talk feelings. We are lunch partners, dinner partners, shopping-partners, movie-partners, bowling-partners, happy-times-partners. They see me as a happy person, having a good career, a good family, a good boyfriend. Even when my world turns up-side-down.
Perhaps, it is because, at every opportunity, I ran home. When it is the weekends, even when I am post-call, tired and sleepy, I grab the keys and drive. I had to. I just had to get out of here. I missed my high school days and university days, those times that we can talk about almost anything.
I DO NOT BELONGED HERE.
IT IS TIME TO DECIDE, TO STAY OR TO MOVE.
I know I will miss my happy-times-partners…. And I feared again, the need to adapt again, the resentment.
My mum said, this is the circle of life, friends come and go. And I noticed, my mum is so occupied with work and family, she never meets up with any of her old friends. ‘we lost touch’ – she said.
It makes me wonder, will I be like that when I grow older, reach forties.
I think mum is a very strong women.
And I, I am not as strong as her.
I needed friends, close friends, the happy-times-and-sad-times-friends.
Just in case, if things did not turn out well, I needed something to fall on.