Confession of a medical student #1

(September 20, 2005 at 07:06 AM)
i didn't want to be here in the first place!!! this wasn't exactly a choice,... it was more of eliminating other choices,... and in the end, i only left with this,... Well, when i was younger, i wanted those more dreamy options like being a deejay or travelling, or journalism.... i thought it'll be nice keeping others company in the middle of the night over the radio, playing songs that i liked... or maybe earning money as i travel those places i enjoyed greatly!! then, in high school, i was considering chemical engineering because of my love to chemistry, and later actuarial science, considering how much i loved maths...

but Medicine? i was never one of those little kids who wanted to be a doctor since young.. kids who lived their life, growing up, knowing that that was what they wanted... i wasn't like Audrey, so determined... Hell, i wasn't even in the PBSM! (red crescent society)... But why now?

hmm.. perhaps it was by my nature to rebel, as my dad didn't really agreed with me taking this course,... then again, everyone else was encouraging... oh, what the HELL....

exams do things to people... seriously... study week was HELL,... not that i've been there before but it was probably the worst moment ever...EVER... confined to the 4 walls of my room,... forced to sit by the study table,.. fliping through the never-ending stack of notes and books... arghhHHhhh... is this really me??

then i would have weird dreams,... one of them was a funeral,.. my funeral... last night i dreamt of my funeral...

it was a cold rainy morning,.. more like drizzling,... i saw mum and dad,... family members,... friends,... all in black... then mum said ' i should have never let her take medicine... i knew she couldn't handle the stress....' then my teacher would say,'what a waste, dying at such a young age...'

then again, like i said, exams do things to people... now that it past,... it's a relieve... yet, i have this deep fear of the next exam... like always, i made hundreds of resolution... one of them being to reduce my addiction to the internet,... but, hey, here i am... it never works,.. *siGh*...

i look forward to the day... when questioned,'why did you become a doctor?' ... and i would answer.. 'it's my dream! it's all worthwhile...' (smiling)