hidden cliffs

When being ripped away, the last edge of the cliff, the voice dampens between the vocal cords, you turn into a room deprived of light, the walls closing in, the air growing denser, the darkness engulfing, you lost your very last breath, the very last purpose disappears, flushed away in the black hole… Handicapped you were, regrets you hold, in a world which shows no mercy, shadows haunting you, reminders of the past tattooed on you, and you reject every effort to comprehend, simply because it is too painful to bear, no analgesia or anesthesthetist can numb the feelings, the scar remains, a locked soul, trapped and lost...

         -shinyin 2008-

(Written on February 21, 2008 at 05:25 AM)

COAMS #41 - i met a bitch today

A patient spoilt my mood today. Correction: she was not even a patient; she was just the friend of the patient.

For the first time, I was called a liar. Which was bad, really bad. And I didn’t lie, obviously.

The patient’s queue was long today, as usual. Which government clinic is not anyway? So, I was in the mood to clerk a new case this morning, so ya, I saw this uncle, and was introducing myself to him. Well, don’t get me wrong, the uncle was really, really nice, and very co-operative. It’s just the bitch who brought him here whom I really wish to curse like mad.

I don’t usually label people as bitch, in fact, I had never labeled anyone this way all my life, but she, the women, she was really bitchy, that lady.

So, ya, after the introduction, before the uncle can respond to me, the bitch said to him in hokkien, “she is just a student, you do not have to talk to her’, and shooed me away with her glances. Well, forgivable. I mean, I respect patient’s rights, patients do not have to be co-operative.

But, the uncle was very nice. Sure, sure, he said excitedly. And we had a great chat. I clerked the him, and he even told me bout this church and his family. Later, I took his file in, and yeah, he waited for his turn patiently.

Not long later, the bitch came knocking impatiently about why is it taking so long. I don’t know why I took the trouble to explain to her and reassure her that his turn will be soon.

Then later, she knocked again. I reassure her that his turn will be next.

After that, she knocked again, and called me a liar in front of like 30 over patients, and was making a hell of a noise. ‘how can a doctor lie? You said he was the next patient, and how come the other patient get to go in first?’ I tried to explain to her that

1. I did not lie. There were 2 doctors running the clinic but sharing a room, and he was indeed the next patient on the list. Anyway, the patient who when into the room was like 2 numbers before him, anyway.
2. I am not a doctor
3. I was just being nice. I do not have to be here, talking to you, explaining to you.
4. The patient was not even complaining, who the hell are you?
5. And if you can’t wait, go to the private sector!!!
(Wait, they actually came from the private sector to the government sector, because of some recommendation from a friend.)

But, well, I didn’t get a chance to explain as she just shouted out ‘I don’t want to hear anything anymore’. Which was very embarrassing. I wanted so much to say it in her face, give her a piece of my mind, but somehow, I couldn’t. And so, i swallowed everything down, tell myself, ‘you do not have to lower yourself down to her level’, ignore her and when back into the room.

Later, other patients started knocking at the door, complaining bout the slow speed. And I found out that the bitch was postulating about how medical student slowed the clinic, that we were having ‘teaching sessions’ in the clinic. Which made me really mad, because the fact was:

1. we were actually speeding up the clinic as we were helping the doctors to take history
2. we were speeding up the clinic by being translators
3. we were speeding up the clinic by helping the doctor check the vital signs, doing physical examinations, writing MCs, running clinic errands, etc
4. and no, we were not paid to do this, and it is not compulsory for us to do this. All this is sort of like volunteer job. In fact, we pay to get into medical school. And hey, we are not complaining, are we?
5. and even IF the doctor was giving teaching sessions, we deserve it because THIS IS A TEACHING CLINIC. HUKM is a teaching hospital. It suppose to be this way. And we student weren’t even demanding or complaining.
6. HUKM was build for UKM students. Without students, you think there’ll even be this place? Pleasseeee.....

So ya, I was really mad at the bitch. On top of that, I was bearing my menstrual pain, and yet she was really torturing me mentally, emotionally. ‘patience, shinyin’, I told myself, and explained to the other patients that there were shortage of doctor, and apologized for the delay.

So when finally, it was uncle’s turn, I went out, called his name, and waited. The bitch said that he was in toilet. It’s okay, we’ll wait, I said. (God knows why was I still being polite and nice) She added, ‘It’s all your fault! He wait until he had to go to the toilet!!’ I just stared back in disbelief, thinking: since when people going to the toilet becomes my fault. Superbly Insane!!

Finally, he’s back. And so, the doctor asked a few more questions, which I’ve missed. I was asking him for urgency symptoms and frequency (thinking BPH). And this bitch just have to stop us and comment, ‘where got people urine without urge one? What kind of medical student are you?’. I wanted to clarify to her that these questions are important, but Nat us nodded her head. I could read her eye language. True, there’s no point arguing with a bitch.

The uncle had left ventricular failure. So, Nat and I took some time to explain the condition to him gently. Dr Harvin asked us to transalate a few more information, telling the patient he needs to run some test. I took a while to explain, and the bitch stopped me, and criticized my Chinese language. ‘Your Chinese is terrible! My English is poor but I understand the doctor and I can explain better than you!’ she declared. She repeat that like twice. I have to admit, my Chinese language sucks. But this time, I really could not take it anymore! This is the first time in my entire medical life that my Chinese language has been criticized so badly.

Even the other patient who was sharing the clinic looked back in puzzlement. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I gave up, shut up, back away and took my seat by the couch. I DON’T CARE ANYMORE. So, I let her explain. Well, her Chinese was ordinary. I have to admit, comparatively, my Chinese language sucked a lot. Maybe I talk in really broken Chinese but at least I do not translate facts wrongly. Yes, she translations was indeed incomplete and some even wrong, but hell, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!

Later, God knows why, she told me, ‘Don’t think I don’t know anything. My son is a doctor’. I replied sarcastically, ‘I do not wish to meet your son’. Then I told Natalie, ‘Thank God she’s not my mum’, loud enough for the bitch to hear.

Later on, I met the uncle again. He apologized for the bitch’s behavior. I told him it is okay, although really, I did not feel anywhere near okay at all. So, I then managed to explain his condition to him, although with some difficulty. I have to admit, my Chinese is really bad, but given time, i could do it. It's a limitation, not being Chinese Educated. But if you give me a second chance, i would still choose to be English Educated, to enter a national school, rather than a chinese school. I enjoyed my childhood very much.

Later when she left the room, the other patient commented, she was a difficult lady. I am glad that I wasn’t the only one feeling that way.

I am back in my hostel room, still upset. Moral of the story:

1. Nice people are easily bullied. You do not have to be nice.
2. Sometimes, we should just ignore bitches.
3. If I ever see this bitch again, I’ll overdose her with Haloperidol and Xanax. (Let her get EPS and get fat!)
4. Don’t attempt to speak Chinese, just pretend I’m ABC, or MBC (Malaysian Born Chinese)
5. I need to learn to handle difficult patients and their friends. (Oh God, I bet there will be many more difficult patients to come.)
6. To improve my Chinese? Haha! Try me...

Hoping to feel better...

(Written on January 31, 2008 at 01:04 AM)

sweet dreams, anyone?

I climbed up to attic,
Find myself in another world,
Candy land, with clouds floating around me,
Everything was bright, white,
I should be safe here, I hope,
As I locked the door behind me,
I walked through a series never ending doors,
I looked back,

Nothing

But, I knew,
It was still after me,
I had to go on…

I could not see anything ahead,
Only doors,
I had to go on…
A hand grabbed mine,
Huge it was,
We ran, as fast as we could,
The hand melted away,
Run, His voice continue to echo,
Warning me,
RUN,
Commanding me,
I keep running aimlessly,
Pushing away,
Doors, after doors….

This is a dream,
It had to be,
I came to my senses,
Get up,
I told myself,
The next thing I knew,
I see myself in my room,
There I was, lying in bed,
I couldn’t move,
I tried to pull myself out of bed,
I tried to push myself off the bed,
Paralysis,
I was locked in my body,
Frustrated,
Helpless,
Ahhhh… I started shouting,
I shouted myself awake,…

Finally, I woke up,
It is over now.

I had an exam today,
And shit, it was 10:00am already,
I was late
And I had not done studying
I was not prepared,
I could fail this test,
But I cannot afford to miss this test,

I rushed out my apartment,
Ran straight to the exam hall,
Upon arrival,
The exam was over,
Students leaving the hall,
Friends turning in disapproval,
The hall was emptied,
I find noone left,
I fell on my knees...

The doors suddenly locked itself behind me,
I found no way out,
Then I realized,
I was trapped again,
I was trapped in my dream, still...

I started falling into this dark hole,
My hand trying to gasp something, someone, anything,
Nothing
Helplessly, I waited for the sound as I hit the ground,
I woke up screaming,
Panting, heart beat racing,
Oh, how I hated stupid dreams!


p/s: Dreams can sometimes seemed real enough…. I’ve dreamt of even worst,….. vampires, being lost, even funerals, my funeral,… why do people dream? I need an anti-dream pill…

(Written on January 26, 2008 at 10:42 AM)

Selective listening

People say cruel things
Sometimes, even heart-breaking
But really, sometimes, you do NOT have to put up with the load of shit
So, this is what I plan to discuss today,

-SELECTIVE LISTENING-

Just because some people have verbal diarrhoea
and does not filter the things they say,
As if the information just slipped through the spinal cord,
Or rather, their cerebrum had shut down,
Or in simple layman terms, he does not have brains)
Well, it does not mean we cannot filter what we hear…
YES, that’s selective listening…

People always find excuses, or someone to blame, sometimes even something,
And sometimes, people are just darn sarcastic
Sometimes, it ain’t even funny
And sometimes, I hate it,
Like a lot,
And so, I just let it filter through..
I don’t even bother to ask them to shut up
Should I, anyway?
But to think of it,
You do not have to lower yourself to their level to communicate with them
It’s not really worth the effort
So ya, selective listening helps…

Some people enjoys criticising others to make themselves look good
I do not understand why
Is it really that amusing?
Some people ask questions when they don’t even want the answers
Either just for the sake of asking
Pretending that they care,
Please tell me they really do, they just do not know how to express,
And some people,
I just do not know how to deal with them…

Is it really that difficult to be nice, at least once in a while?
Is it really hard to give without expecting anything in return?
Perhaps, I still live in a fairytale book,
Welcome to the harsh reality,
Perhaps, in between the pages,
There will be,
Hope, faith and love…

p/s:
Let’s start saying nice things to the people you meet,
Let’s be generous with compliments…
And if you really want to test my selective listening capacity,
Do wear a tag saying:

I AM GOING TO PISS YOU OFF, PLEASE FILTER THIS

And I’ll just wear ear plugs and switch on my ipod… ^_^

( Written on January 15, 2008 at 05:26 AM )

Refections of me...

People used me all the time
And I don’t know why
I just let them

You know, about 3 weeks back, I had this conversation with a friend, and a few others, about motives. She said that, everyone has motives. When someone is suddenly nice to you, there is a reason. They probably need your help for something. Which at the moment, I refused to believe. But the thing that puzzled me most is when she said that, I did not have motives. Which I am not sure whether it is a good or bad thing. It made me sound handicapped… you know, when everyone seemed to have it except you… ‘People take advantage on people like you’, she said. Even I would take advantage of you, she added. OUCH!

And for the rest of the week, I spent my time, analysing the people around me, their motives and all, and it made me feel really bad, used… Why are people using me? I hate being smart suddenly… I tried to convince myself that I use people too… when I need help, I find my friends,.. isn’t that using people too?

And being a Libran, I am indecisive. I have no stand, so I would easily be convinced to follow other people’s wishes,… which sometimes, I really don’t mind, but other times, I carry out reluctantly… which again, is as if I am not really sincere… which made me feel bad after that…. My friend said Libran is an excuse, which may be true, perhaps, it is just my nature to be indecisive, and I wonder is it possible to change one’s character…

I do not mind being used, but it really hurts when one is being used and not appreciated… it make you feel discarded. Like an unrecycleble product. Dumped. Disposed.

So I vowed to change, to learnt to have motives, to learnt to say ‘no’, and to reject other people wishes. I learnt to say ‘I don’t want to go out because I don’t feel like it’ instead of creating a hundred and one excuses and ended up either following the flow or filled with guilt. Yes, that’s my second problem.

1. I do not have motives.
2. I feel guilty easily

And I have this really unusual super defence mechanism. When someone does something bad, or said something bad, I choose to innocently believe that they are good, and I would create like a million excuses for them…. Maybe he said that because he had a bad day, I am sure he did not mean it. Maybe she did not know about it, she would not do it if she knew…. Blah, blah, blah…. RATIONALISATION….. I hate my defence mechanism when it overworks itself…. When a friend did something or said something bad, I would feel sad and disappointed for a moment, and then the defence mechanism would start ticking into action…. Treat others the way you wished to be treated… is that really so?

People tells me secrets, I do not know why… do you people really thing I am trust worthy? And when they tell me secrets, they always make me promise not to tell anyone else… and I do not know why I kept the promise….. which you may think is a good thing, but hey, sometimes, it made me feel like exploding,… like my cerebral can no longer contain the juicy information, eager to burst out from its capsule, to free itself from the bars… thanks to curiosity,.. which now, I resist from asking further, which may expose me to another secret which need to be kept….

Another thing, I complain, like A LOT… I have this weird mechanism to voluntarily offer to help others and regretted after that.. (gee, that make me sound so insincere) sometimes, it just happens spontaneously, I could not control it…. Why the hell did I do that? Because it is the right thing to do? Is there a ‘right thing’ anyway? It is good to help others, but it is really bad to complain about it after that… so, suck it up and just do the job!! Sigh…

Another friend of mine, he described me as ‘water’. Yes, like liquid. He said that I follow the shape of any glass or cup that contained me… I was very lucky because I grew up in a good environment, which a nice family, and nice friends and people around me. I get influenced easily, maybe too easily,.. and if my friends around me are bad, I’ll probably be a bad egg too! I was in Korea for only a week, and look what it has already done to me!! If my parents know my drinking habit, they would probably kill me!! No, I do not drink a lot, maybe like only once a month,.. but I am starting to like drinking, and I find myself in the alcohol section most of the time, checking out the drinks and the prices, which I think, is already bad enough…. I like Heineken, I loved volka! And So Ju cocktail,… And like the time when Aland had this coffee-alcohol drink, whatever you call that, I was like, God, I have to taste that…. sigh… save me man! This is so wrong for a medical student, who by the way is suppose to be advising patients against alcohol!! And I hate salesgirls, salesman, promoters, and the likes…. I can buy a dress just because the salesgirl compliments me, and later just leave it hanging in the cupboard……..yeah, I am a compulsive shopaholic.. Perhaps impulsive too.. I should have known better, but why I keep repeating mistakes?

This reflection list goes on… the more I think, the more depressed I get…. My friend, Chian Ling said, I like you better the way you are, hehe… so well,… maybe I should continue being indecisive, *nyek*

I should not blog about this,.. it is bad for my future career.. but heck! Who reads such a long blogs anyway, unless you have all the time it the world, which you probably had, now that you have already reached the end… oh well… This is MY BLOG, I should have the freedom to write whatever I like! Without being pressured to pacify my readers, it’s not like I get paid or anything… Blogs are suppose to be inspirational, but at this point, i cannot be bothered!! And there is always the delete button! *nyek*

Thanks for reading anyway, and I suppose if I insisted that this is all crap and fiction, you would not believe me anyway… (and the ‘thank you’, by the way, was just me being polite, haha!)

New Year Resolutions

1. Learn to have motives?
2. Do not feel guilty easily
3. Learn to say ‘no’
4. Complain less
5..Be more decisive
6. Do not get influenced easily
7. Stop procrastinating, be organized!
8. Waste less
9. Think positive
10.Study harder?
11.Worry less
12.Adopt a healthy lifestyle
13.Compliance to meds
14.Stop believing in horoscope
15.Stop my net-addiction and caffeine-addiction
16.Stop being obsessed which chocolates
17.WAKE UP!!
18.Start reading the newspaper and other reading materials besides my medical text books and fiction
19.Be generous with encouragements and compliments
20.Be happy =)


(Written on December 15, 2007 at 11:29 AM)

COAMS #40 - Semenyih blues.........

Dear all,

I am typing from my hostel room, in Semenyih… I haven’t figure out who to address this letter to, I am, well, just typing… 3 weeks here, I have lived such a boring meaningless life. Meaningless, perhaps because I do not really enjoy what I am doing, research. And perhaps, I do not like this place either. And maybe because I have to share my room with 10 other people, being stripped off the luxury of having a single room which I had since 10 years old.

Perhaps I should elaborate more on what I do here. And why I hate what I am doing here. For the first week, I had the room lights waking me up as early as 5am, with my friends performing their prayers, while I tried to steal extra sleep under my covers. Not to forget people chattering at the background, when I decide to sleep early. Eventually, I got used to sleeping with the lights on, sharing a common bathroom, and sharing the same speed of fan.

I am allergic to the kampong.

And I mean it quite literally.

You see, our research area is in Kampong Kuala Pajam, which is at the border of Selangor and Negeri Sembilan. My home is just a 40minutes drive away. Many times, I have the urge to just drive myself home and forget everything. Anyway, back to the kampong. Like I have said, I am allergic to the kampong. I would end up with red rashes at my limbs. I am not sure whether it is the grass, the sand, or just the air. Allergens seemed to be everywhere. Avoiding grassy areas did not help much.

And guess what? The villages in Kampung Kuala Pajam does not have the luxury of the Town Council (Majlis Perbandaran) workers coming to empty their rubbish bins. In fact, they had to burn all their rubbish! And I seriously mean ALL, yes, the smoky-open-burning thingy…. Which I hate it, a lot! My lungs practically rejected it by giving me an asthmatic attack! Oh well..

Anyway, I am still recovering from the sun-burn from the beach 2 weeks back and the sun in semenyih which somehow seemed to be much hotter than other parts of Malaysia. Perhaps also recovering from even more things. The scorching sun cut through my skin, dehydrating it as I resist from scratching my skin. I did as many as 3 face masks that week, my friends thought I was obsessed.

I guess what made me hate this place most is because I believe this place made me sick. Well, it could all be a co-incident, the upper respiratory tract infection, my wisdom teeth growing and the intense menstrual pain, all hitting me at a go. It’s like the whole world is going on a strike against me. I have been abusing antibiotics and pain killers for the past week.

I am back to the hospital. And I realise how much I missed the hospital. Not so much of the clerking and educational part, I simply missed the smell of HUKM, the clean walls, the people… oh well….

p/s: My posting mates turned out to be pretty fun people,... but semenyih, the place is just not for me............

(Written on December 14, 2007 at 06:29 AM)

LINK: i found another old post of mine, on another Kampong experience in Kedah, back in 2006... surprisingly, my opinions of the kampong was totally different from this!! perhaps, it's the shorter duration, or perhaps it was 1st time syndrome... click to read it here..