COAMS #8 - who are we to judge others?

(07072006, 1247pm)

I’m writing this on the way home to Seremban. So much had happened lately that I really don’t know what to write, what can I write. For starters, my pre-clinical examinations are finally over!! Yeay, thank God… I still can’t believe 2nd year ended so fast though… and to think that I’ll be doing my Clinical years in 2 months time.
This month, I discovered a lot about people. Yeah, people. Sometimes, I felt as if I am a character from a movie or something, or at least the people around me. Somehow, my friends never fail to surprise me from time to time, whether high school friends or university friends. And I thought that complicated matters only happen in movies, or in ‘other people’s life’.
I felt that everyone is actually wearing a mask in his or her everyday life. Some people wear it thicker, some people more superficial. Sometimes, I’m not exactly sure whether a person is capable to change so drastically, or had we not really known them from the start. It’s kind of scary when you come to think about it. Many things we labeled as ‘not right’, many things we may not agree to. But really, who are we to judge others?
Now, as I look at the people around me, I start to wonder… the girl sitting in front of me might be a superstar, the guy behind me might be a future leader, the bus driver might be a serial killer. I mean people around us may not be what as we expected. Some people see life as a journey, some see life as a game. Some enjoy the challenge to achieve the most in life.
I’m no sure where the bus driver is taking us. He kept getting off the highway. Maybe there’s some road block for le tour de langkawi. Oh well, feeling a little sleepy now….so, I guess I’ll just get some rest now.

COAMS #16- Fear of the Psychiatric wards

(June 27, 2006 at 08:09 AM)

i can't help feeling a little terrified of the psychiatric wards... it gives me a rather eerie feeling... very disturbing...

imagine, patient gripping your hands in fear, asking you not to leave,..telling you of the music she heard... the voices... asking you what to do.. you listen,.. you comfort... you give all the empathy you can afford,.. you can't leave for class... you can't leave for home.. you just can't leave...

patients walking in circles,.. limited facial expression,.. he stares straight at you...

patients responding to their hallucinated friend...

patients holding you with their icy cold hands,.. in fear...

the wards can be very depressing and scary... disturbing...

oh God... i really must learn how to face these patients...

the clinics are much better, patients are almost normal... like anyone you see off the street... like i said before, 'i believe that everyone, at some point in life, have a certain degree of mental disorder'... this is an opinion, not a delusion(fixed false belief)...

COAMS #17 @ Medicine Rotations

Date : 14062006 (1930pm)
Mood : Sometimes, one convince oneself so much that one can’t tell what is real and what is not…

I wrote my diary today. Hasn’t done that for the past 3 months, which is a big deal for me, considering my unstable emotional fluctuant. Sometimes, I feel that filling up the pages of a diary is like a therapy. It helps me think, the way music and sports make people think.

Today, my lecturer said something about anxiety. It was quite personal as I had the similar episode before, to the extend that I was rushed to the Hospital Kuala Lumpur. But of course, during that time I didn’t realize that it was anxiety. I was hyperventilating and had peripheral paraesthesia - fingers numbness. I was pretty convinced at that point that I had another asthmatic attack. My friend believed that the 2 pitiful prawns I had for dinner after blood donation had triggered it. Indeed, I was so annoyed when the doctor at A&E Dept kept asking me whether I am stressed, about my exams, etc… In fact, I kept insisting that I’m ‘UNDER’-STRESSED, meaning having too little stress, having stress level lower that I should… oh God… I can be such a ‘difficult’ patient, sometimes… to think that I’m form Med school.. haha!

That’s not the main point. The thing is, Datin Norella said today that when people faces a problem, very often, they may try to channel their problem towards something else, something more manageable, like being sick. When one is sick, one sees a doctor, one take medication, one gets well, full stop! The problem is, she didn’t tell me how to treat the problem… * siGh *… I mean, I know how to treat anxiety, hyperventilation, metabolic alkalosis etc… but how to you prevent going into anxiety? Stop med school?

I don’t feel well today. But I clearly know I am not sick. It’s just a feeling, not feeling good. One of those days you feel that it’s your ‘bad-hair-day’.. but you can’t really tell why…

It’s the fourth week of my Medicine posting (which, supposing is the toughest and scariest posting in the entire year). I’m like half way through, yet I feel that it has just begun. I’m not sure whether I am stressed or am I lacking stress. I want to have a healthy amount of stress, I know that I SHOULD be stressed, I NEED TO BE STRESSED, only then I would start pushing myself and induce adrenaline production. Until then, I’m in the –I-AM-TOO-LAZY-AND-I-DON’t-GIVE-A-DAMN- state…. *siGh *… it’s sad right? Having med student like me? Maybe I need self-motivational books.. I wonder, is there a [MEDICINE-FOR-DUMMIES] book.. Hmm…


Sometimes, one convince oneself so much that one can’t tell what is real and what is not…

hostel horrors

I missed home. I haven’t talked much about the hostel here, have I? Lately, they are having this ‘rondaan malam’ thing in my hostel. Why, you may ask. Well, there were cases, I heard. Some psycho has been wondering around in the girls hostel. Let me share with you the story I heard. I’ll write it from the persona point of view.

0256am – finally, I’ve completed my assignment! Last minute work. Turned off the lights and crawled under the warm blankets. Bummer, I forgotten to lock the main door, arGh... can’t be bothered,..

I thought I heard someone calling. Am I dreaming? I must be. The mourning starts getting unusually louder. Is it from the next door? I was not sure. People around here don’t sleep, huh? I thought.

‘adik’ a soft whisper came from my window. I saw the silhouette of a man, short, spiky hair. Oh my God, I must be studying so hard that I am imagining things. Exams do things to people. ‘adiiiik’ he continued calling, this time louder. Okay, maybe I’m not dreaming. I figure someone is looking for the next door neighbour. Curious, I inched towards my window and peeped through the curtains. There was this young Indian man, dressed neatly in checkered shirt.

I stepped back. Shock, fright, fear, horror – the emotions filled my head so fast I couldn’t register. I need help. I need to get out of here. I can’t breath.

He continued mourning, gradually louder and louder. I need to call someone, anyone. But my cell phone is just next to the window. Go away, I shouted, but the words couldn’t come out. I hid at the corner of my room. Pulled the blanket over my head. Cupped my hands over my ears. Prayed for him to go away… go away..

So, that was the story I heard. The Malay girl reported the case- a stranger masturbating by her window in the middle of the night. So, the hostel is no longer safe. Creepy huh?

p/sss: if again you might be wondering, NO, i haven't had any encounter with that creapy guy and hopefully never will.

COAMS #15 -AMSA Activities

(May 04, 2006 at 08:12 PM)

Since AMSA (the Asian Medical Student Association) has already been a part of me, I guess it’s only fair that I blog at least a little of it here.

We had this jumble sale last month, at HUKM. It went on quite well… better than expected… yet, there are still rooms for improvement. What’s a jumble sale?- you may ask,,, well, it’s like a garage sale, only that it’s not in a garage… sort of like a junkyard sale, well, not exactly though, junkyard made it sound very bad, unwanted… it’s more of like selling stuffs contributed by people… like old clothes, books, souvenirs, toys, teddies, things collecting dust at the corner of your house, stored for ages in your storerooms/attics, etc Bottom line: if you do have stuffs to contribute, there’s this jumble sale coming up in end of May and end of June. Keep those ‘junks’ for me ya!! ^_^ contact me and we’ll arrange something… (to seremban ppl-i can try to pick the stuffs from your house ^_^)

On the other hand, we had a Clinical Booth at Berjaya Times Square last week. It was fun! Well, at least I had fun, I think. I enjoyed checking BP(Blood Pressure). There was this guy who had a BP as high as 180/140!! I realized that many among the public have a history of hypertension, mostly on medication. Approximated 30% of the people I examined had raised BP or are on hypertension medication. Hypertension, no big deal, you may think… but don’t underestimate it. It is one of the major risk factor for heart failure, hyperlipidemia, and to the extreme extend – stroke! Like the name implies, stroke comes suddenly, unexpected, unpredictable. The next thing you know, you’ll find one side of your body paralysed. Scary huh? I’m trying to get my parents and relatives to quit smoking and reduce their coffee intake. It’s tough to ask mum to drink not more than 1 cup of coffee each day when I myself, is a caffeine-addict who sometimes takes up to 3 cups per night. *sigh *… thou do not do as thou preach…

COAMS #14 - allow God to do his magic

(May 04, 2006 at 02:46 AM)

I visited my piano teacher’s brother’s mother-in-law this afternoon. She was admitted to HUKM with bilateral stroke- cerebellum infarction. Mdm Chong, 72, had a history of chronic hypertension, on medication, came in to the A&E department with stroke, hemiplegia on the left side, with history of severe headache for a week.
When she (Mdm Chong) was first admitted last Monday, she was paralysed on the left side. The condition worsens, as yesterday, she couldn’t move both her right and left lower limbs. Luckily, sensory is still intact, only motor and co-ordination is affected. She had dysphagia (difficulty in swallowing) and had been fed through a Ryles tube (nasogastric tube). Her systolic blood pressure shot up to 200 yesterday but managed to be reduced to 160 today, still elevated though…

Really, what a medical student can do is very limited. I was shocked when my teacher called me for help. She had so many questions, answers which some I could not provide. I did wonder whether have I not studied enough… So, I just sort of accompanied her there, tried to explain the situation to her. Sometimes, I feel helpless…

Sometimes, I hate the doctors when they don’t take some time off to explain to the patient, talk to them,.. Sometimes, they take the patient for granted. ‘Arghh, she’s lucky to live till 72’ one of the doctors commented. Patients worry, their immediate families worry… they live in fear, they felt lost…

But, really, I can’t blame them, the doctors. They are busy people. They have to go for ward rounds, make important life-or-death decisions, go to the clinics, and even give lectures and classes to annoying students like us! (note: I haven’t touch personal space and time). I fear that one day I might be one of them. One day, I might eventually learn to hate myself…

I told them to expect the worst and pray for the best. Don’t think of how terrible the condition is, instead, think of what can be done… what can be done to improve the condition and prevent other complications… Emotional support, physiotherapy, etc… The doctors will always try their best. We, on the other hand must be strong and never give up.

“Keep praying and give her support,” I said. “We do our best, God will do the rest” – at this point, I allow God to do His magic, though I don’t really have any particular belief. I think all medical students eventually will learn to believe in God (I SO must convince Shu Juen, a friend of mine who is an atheist), it makes life easier. No, I don’t believe the monkey story (evolution). Doctors sometimes cure, comfort always. God decides and heals. So, really, there is no right or wrong.
My teacher’s sister-in-law is taking care of the patient now. Sometimes, I think we should have a profession ‘specially made’ to explain situations and conditions to the patients. Telling them, what to expect, and what can be done. Maybe, that is what I find lacking in the public sector.

I like to follow Dr Nafisah during ward rounds. I enjoy watching her work. So far, she’s the only doctor I knew who talks, listens and care for her patients. She’s my role model. ^_^