Showing posts with label random rants~. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random rants~. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Shadows from the past


Shadows from the past

I was making myself a drink in the kitchen, then I got distracted by a memory, a memory once forgotten, and somehow, by accident, or by chance, the cup fell and everything scattered, spilled all over the white tiled floor.

I suppose most people, perhaps almost everyone, must have had shadows of their past. Memories that they had forced themselves to forget, inhibited, locked in a safe, at the dark corner of their mind.

Yet, somehow, after a couple of months, sometimes even years, somehow, no matter how powerful your mind tries to inhibit the memories, you never quite forget them.

For Boon Lee, I suppose it must have been 'okane'. Even after happily married, one sudden day, her zhimui (sister friend) would suddenly watsapp her and say: guess what? I saw okane the other day on the street with another girl. Thought you would like to know. And the thing is, I could tell that there was a part of her which had not quite let go the shadow of her past.

God always have His plans. His reasons. As for me, when mine revisited my mind, I just had to spill everything. Pure foolishness and stupidity  I have to admit. So there I was, on my fours, scrubbing the floors of my kitchen. As the tiles became cleaner, my mind clearer. As if the shadows of my past being wiped away. I was so soiled that I had to took a shower after that. And that made me feel better.

It made me think. Does everyone else have a shadow of their past? How do they cope with it? What if they need to face it almost everyday? What if they lived in fear of being reminded of the past? Was I ever, by chance a shadow of someone else's?

P/s: Back to reality. No time for mind games, just finding excuses not to study. Sigh...

Thursday, June 23, 2011

a fallen star





There are things in life,
Things that kept me wondering…
Playing in my mind,
Like a roller coaster,
Juggling ideas, delusions, emotions….

The world is a small world,
A small small world,
And God has his plan, he must have had!
Sometimes, I just wished I knew,
i wished i could comprehend...


There are things I like to forget, 
(corrections: I WANT to forget, i mean, i NEED to forget)
Questions unanswered, Yet, I dare not ask,
I hung up the phone,
I knew the answer will be too painful to bear.
In the end,
It is just me,
Me and my stupidity…

Emotions is a dumb thing,
I guess,
When the heart overcomes the mind…


I knew it was all a delusion,
Yet, God knows why am I still holding on,
Holding onto something that does not exist in the first place.
I needed to end this,
To achieve full insight,
Understanding and enlightenment…

I wished those things would not matter that much,
I wished it will all go away,
I wished I would never had to face it,
I hid them in a box, a dark, dark box,
At the corner of my mind,
Yet somehow, like I said, this is a small small world,
With many many co-incidents,
I see myself in the mirror,
I wished it was someone else,
I wished it was somewhere else,
Then again,
God had to fool me again…

Please let me go, please let me live in peace…
Please tell me that it'll all go away, and everything will be fine...



Wednesday, May 25, 2011

“MEDICAL is a Challenging Profession, yet a VERY rewarding profession”



This afternoon, a group of pre-medical students came to our hospital for a visit. They were JPA scholars who came for exposure and to learnt more about the hospital life and career as a doctor.

The ward sister introduced me to them, ‘This is Dr Wu, our house officer here. In the future, you will become like her. Dr Wu, can you brief them about life as a houseman?’

ME: Sure, what would you like to know?

STUDENTS: We would like to know more about life as a house officer. We heard that it is difficult and would like some motivation.

ME: Are you all already enrolled in Medical School?

STUDENT: YES. We are from XXX and YYY.

(Mind: Meaning, those innocent students are CONFIRMED stucked in med school…) Everything that come out of my mouth now HAD to be POSITIVE.

And I couldn’t believe what came out of my mouth next:

“MEDICAL is a Challenging Profession, yet a VERY rewarding profession”

(very rewarding???) -YES, I said it!!

“You see results, like when you treat your patient, you see how he recovers and goes home”

“The moment when you first scrubbed in, your first baby delivery, holding those little soft fingers, your first appendicectomy, the feeling cannot be bought. The experience is somewhat special and you cannot find it anywhere else”

Sure, I pacify those students, motivate them more than I had ever motivated myself.

“Not just anyone can survive in the medical field. It takes a lot of strength, courage and hard work. If you can survive medical school, if you can survive housemanship, you can survive ANYTHING“

STUDENTS: What about medical school? We heard Medical is all about work and no play.

“Keep a balance between work and play. They say, study hard when you are student, it’s true… because those things you study, do come in handy when we work, especially those at clinical years. It helps in our work. But,  endless work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Participate in research, join students association,  go out with your friends, enjoy, go travelling, yes, work hard but have fun along the way."

“ when I was a student, I participated in a Student Organization named : AMSA (Asian Medical Students’ Association) and we took part in many activities : Paper Presentation, Poster Presentation, Research, Cultural Exchange,.. We travelled to Taiwan, Korea, Hong Kong,.. meet students from other countries, understand their lifestyle, exchange views, hang out… it was fun"

And those students were staring back, like in disbelief that a medical student life can be fun.

Well, honestly, I did enjoyed my medical school life. The tough days were tough. Where the amount of facts and knowledge we have to study is not counted by how many pages, but is measured by how many feet high is those books and notes stacked up, per subject. It was scary, thinking back. But, the good days were good. And I had many, many, MANY fond memories of my student life. One thing was, I had very good friends. I was relatively active in school activities and student body, so, I had a great experience.

“You guys are JPA scholars, probably one of the brightest students in your high school. But in medical school, it is an all new thing altogether. You will be competing amongst yourself, the best students of the batch. And it can be very stressful at times. There will be two extremes categories of students. Those who just pass exams without much effort, A, and those who need to work EXTRA hard to pass exams, B. You might be in either of this category, A or B, or somewhere in between. If you happen to be in the B category, don’t give up, support each other, and put in the extra effort, you will reach the finish line.”

STUDENTS: How about on-calls? I heard it is terrible,….

“I have to say, you guys are VERY lucky now, as oncalls nowadays are VERY much better compared to those 10 years back, considering that nowadays, we have more house officers. Some departments in some hospitals even give post-call-off! ”
-I cannot believed I said that.

“The more reason you need to study as Students and house officers. The concept is simple. The better knowledge and skills you have to manage a patient, the faster you can finish your work, and the more time you have to rest. But is someone is Jonah, then, it’s just luck. Of course, a shift system would be much better for all of us. Unless the system change, oncalls have to go on. But remember, you have nothing to lose, every day, there’s something to learn. And those on-calls, they make you stronger”

The truth is, there are more house officers, but the work load has became more and more demanding. House officers have more scopes to cover. In some hospital, they need to do double entry for the computer system. Some HO has to function as MO. Some HO has to function as SN and PPK. Work is endless. You are the PPK, the SN, the HO, the MO- EVERYTHING! But of course, I couldn’t tell them that and scare them away.

NEW fresh students, they reminded me of how I used to be. Like a clean sheet of paper, so innocent, so ‘un-touched’, so eager…

When I was at high school, I was motivated by a medical student who came to our school. His name was Dominic.

I think I like this. ‘Motivating’ these young souls. Pacifying them.

And I think that was exactly what I needed back then, when I was in their shoes –MOTIVATION...

Haha, they should read my blog... NO, THEY SHOULDN'T.


Monday, March 28, 2011

Dear diary,




Dear diary,

I had been rather depressed (correction: emotional) for the past week. It is a feeling that is rather hard to express. I wanted to get a drink, maybe to chill out and relax, to forget everything, yet, I couldn't.

That was when I realized, I had no one here to turn to.

I DO NOT BELONG HERE.

I am not the sociable kind of person.
I am not friendly.
I am not histrionic.
I do not open up easily to a friend, it takes time, time to build trust and comfort.
(at least in my case)
So, I had to pay for the consequences for being who I am.

I had a problem with adaptation. I always had. When I move to a new place, I would try to run away from it.

I dread being in a new place. It gives me no comfort, that new place.

Maybe it was partly because of my childhood memory, the time when I was 9 year old, and my family decided to move from Subang Jaya to Seremban. I was suddenly told that I had to leave. I resented it. And No, I had no vote in it. And I left, without a word or notice.

So, each time I go somewhere new, I get the same feeling all over again.

When I first shifted to Seremban, I resented it in my new primary school. I was exceptionally quiet – according to my report card. When I entered university, same resentment. And when I came to Melacca- resentment.

I hate it that everytime, when I reach a comfort zone, I had to leave.

And here, I am unsure, whether I have found my comfort zone.

Funny, being nearly two years here in Melaka,.. I had not one person to turn to in times of sadness.
I just could not open up. (it’s not them, it’s me) Friends here are cool, nice, but just, we do not talk feelings. We are lunch partners, dinner partners, shopping-partners, movie-partners, bowling-partners, happy-times-partners. They see me as a happy person, having a good career, a good family, a good boyfriend.  Even when my world turns up-side-down.

Perhaps, it is because, at every opportunity, I ran home. When it is the weekends, even when I am post-call, tired and sleepy, I grab the keys and drive. I had to. I just had to get out of here.  I missed my high school days and university days, those times that we can talk about almost anything.

I DO NOT BELONGED HERE.

IT IS TIME TO DECIDE, TO STAY OR TO MOVE.


I know I will miss my happy-times-partners…. And I feared again, the need to adapt again, the resentment.
My mum said, this is the circle of life, friends come and go. And I noticed, my mum is so occupied with work and family, she never meets up with any of her old friends. ‘we lost touch’ – she said.
It makes me wonder, will I be like that when I grow older, reach forties.

I think mum is a very strong women.
And I, I am not as strong as her. 
I needed friends, close friends, the happy-times-and-sad-times-friends. 
Just in case, if things did not turn out well, I needed something to fall on.


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Love isn’t everything, Work isn’t everything, Then, WHAT IS EVERYTHING???

They say,

Love isn’t everything, 

Work isn’t everything,

Then, WHAT IS EVERYTHING???




Say we wake up at 6 in the morning, get to work at 7, plus minus the traffic jam, starts work at 8am, be very lucky enough to leave at 5pm, reach home in more or less 6pm… that is like 7am-6pm, which makes about 11 hours which is 45% of our day (11 out of 24 hours), EXCLUDING on-calls, studies, etc…  furthermore, if we were to minus 8 hours of sleep,  our job makes up 68% of our life… (i know, it is a sad fact, isn't it)

So, whatever JOB we choose, seriously, we MUST LOVE (LOVE, not just like, yes, deep-down-inside-L-O-V-E) it, right??? 








Then, we get home, we spend the remaining 13 hours with our love ones, whether friends, family, or the other half… laughed about what happened at work... share each other's experience, give each other comfort, give each other a pat in the shoulder, encouragement, love, smiles, support, surely, we SHOULD have a home to get back to, shouldn’t we? shouldn't we enjoy the other part of life to the fullest??

So, if we were to have a life partner, we SHOULD LOVE (LOVE, not just like) him (or her), right???





Imagine, if you had to remove that first half… so like I had to go to work, doing something I don’t like, 11 hours a day, for lets say, the next 2 years… how would it feel like?? Living that daily routine, dreading to get up for work, being blue all mondays and throughout the week.... Horrible. ain't it??? Well, at least I get to come home to people I loved… maybe that will make up for the 45% of the day, maybe not enough...
On the other hand, imagine, if you keep the first, and remove the second half… so like, I do something I like very much, live my passion, follow my dreams… but at the end of the day, I come home to an empty rented home… cuddle myself to sleep, treat myself when ill, dapao food home or called for delivery, watch VCD on my laptop until i doze off, …  is that happiness? 



So, 
when forced to make a decision,
i was torn apart between two worlds...




So, 
when forced to make a decision,
 I asked,

 WHY CAN’T WE HAVE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS??








WHAT IS EVERYTHING???












so, we live only once, heck it!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

oh boy, why is it so darn hard to feel happy?


my eyes are painful,
somewhat red from all the rubbing,
somewhat watery from all the tearing...

my heart is retching,
aching with each breathe i take,
hurting with every thoughts of you...

why?
when you promised happiness,
you gave pain instead?
why?
when you said you will be there,
you were not?
why?
when you made promises,
you broke them one by one?

is it true?
that one need to walk down the path,
the path covered with shattered glass,
and let their feet bleed,
with every step,
sharp pain shooting up the spine,
yet, thou shall keep walking,
to reach the destination of happiness...

what if you thought you have found happiness,
and later found out,
that it was all a white lie...
a fairytale that never exist,
a pacifier for little kids...

i wondered how could you have let it be,
how could you have let it go,
perhaps, somethings weren't as important,
perhaps sweet words, were only words...

and i,
i only deserved to be in this dark space...

perhaps what they predicted was right
everyone was given a certain amount of happiness
and i am starting to reach the end of my quota...
the tip of the toothpaste tube....


oh boy, why is it so darn hard to feel happy?

Saturday, July 25, 2009

deceptions

23.07.2009

I lived in a world of lies.
Deceptions.


And so, I wore a mask today.
Hoping that it would hide all emotions.
Secrets.
Hoping to numbed those feelings.
To shadow them away,
The slightest clue, the minute hint,
Perhaps, everything.

It had not been raining for quite a while.
Until today.

They said that one will grow stronger with time.
I doubt I’ll ever will.
The emotions, greater than what my heart is able to contain.
The burden, heavier that what I can shoulder.
No one told me it was going to me like this.
No one told me that I was to be less human.

I do not want to get used to seeing this,
To get used to being less emotional,
To be accustomed to seeing illnesss, disease, deaths and loss,
When hopes shattered, love is lost,
And we could not even say that we had done our very best,

I learnt 3 new words:
1. FATE
2. LIMITATION
3. PURE UNLUCKYNESS

Monday, July 20, 2009

*happy*

20.07.2009, 10:56am, General Hospital Malacca,

rounds with Dr Gary Lee,

Mah Jah blood pressured was well-controlled,
i must have been the wishes and prayers from the fellow readers,
fit for discharge...
TCA nephro follow-up

*shinyin happy* ^^


p/s: going to find BoonLee, or rather, BoonLee is here in Malacca... yippie!! *happy*

Author's Note

Dear friends and readers, Thank you for dropping by and leaving comments/ shoutouts. More importantly, thank you for being there... please accept my apology that, lately, i may be busy with work and not have time to reply youir messages/comments, but rest assured, each and everyone is read, and highly appreciated :) have a nice day! ^^

of love

Today, i heard a story which was not a story of falling...
of living in the dark end of winter turmoil..
instead, it was a love story..
of a couple who did not live happily ever after...
but they live, loving each other..