Monday, March 28, 2011

Dear diary,

Dear diary,

I had been rather depressed (correction: emotional) for the past week. It is a feeling that is rather hard to express. I wanted to get a drink, maybe to chill out and relax, to forget everything, yet, I couldn't.

That was when I realized, I had no one here to turn to.


I am not the sociable kind of person.
I am not friendly.
I am not histrionic.
I do not open up easily to a friend, it takes time, time to build trust and comfort.
(at least in my case)
So, I had to pay for the consequences for being who I am.

I had a problem with adaptation. I always had. When I move to a new place, I would try to run away from it.

I dread being in a new place. It gives me no comfort, that new place.

Maybe it was partly because of my childhood memory, the time when I was 9 year old, and my family decided to move from Subang Jaya to Seremban. I was suddenly told that I had to leave. I resented it. And No, I had no vote in it. And I left, without a word or notice.

So, each time I go somewhere new, I get the same feeling all over again.

When I first shifted to Seremban, I resented it in my new primary school. I was exceptionally quiet – according to my report card. When I entered university, same resentment. And when I came to Melacca- resentment.

I hate it that everytime, when I reach a comfort zone, I had to leave.

And here, I am unsure, whether I have found my comfort zone.

Funny, being nearly two years here in Melaka,.. I had not one person to turn to in times of sadness.
I just could not open up. (it’s not them, it’s me) Friends here are cool, nice, but just, we do not talk feelings. We are lunch partners, dinner partners, shopping-partners, movie-partners, bowling-partners, happy-times-partners. They see me as a happy person, having a good career, a good family, a good boyfriend.  Even when my world turns up-side-down.

Perhaps, it is because, at every opportunity, I ran home. When it is the weekends, even when I am post-call, tired and sleepy, I grab the keys and drive. I had to. I just had to get out of here.  I missed my high school days and university days, those times that we can talk about almost anything.



I know I will miss my happy-times-partners…. And I feared again, the need to adapt again, the resentment.
My mum said, this is the circle of life, friends come and go. And I noticed, my mum is so occupied with work and family, she never meets up with any of her old friends. ‘we lost touch’ – she said.
It makes me wonder, will I be like that when I grow older, reach forties.

I think mum is a very strong women.
And I, I am not as strong as her. 
I needed friends, close friends, the happy-times-and-sad-times-friends. 
Just in case, if things did not turn out well, I needed something to fall on.


  1. hi shinyin,

    i guess i do feel the same way too perhaps, when i'm "forced" to move to different places.

    although i'm generally quite friendly, but i don't tell my feelings to everybody.. it takes time to build trust i guess.

    perhaps one day, we can reach a comfort zone where we can at least reach a stand still for a significant amount of time.

  2. Good stuff!!! Visit me at leave me your thoughts...Cheerios!!!

  3. I've been moving all around all the time to so many new places, having to adapt.. again and again and again..

    most important thing, have a smiley face and a positive mind, people will be more than happy to stick with you..

    Secondly...i actually wished I'm a girl.. sometimes.. it is SOOOOOOooo much easier to make friends as a girl.. so, you're on the upper hand.. why waste?..:)


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of love

Today, i heard a story which was not a story of falling...
of living in the dark end of winter turmoil..
instead, it was a love story..
of a couple who did not live happily ever after...
but they live, loving each other..