The canvas painting of a thousand words, takes a thousand more to decipher…

it rained again today

this time heavier, stormier

perhaps heavy enough to soak me in

perhaps stormy enough to shake my senses back into reality

I hid in the corner of my room,

Within the shadows of my soul,

I will not be found here,

I will not be exposed,

I will learnt to protect myself.

Curiosity kills the cat,

Of did the cat found the reality too overwhelming that it had to kill itself,

This we will never know,

But then again,

What does not kill you makes you stronger.

and all this while I thought pink cotton candy was sweet

and all this while I thought that his hands were warm for me,

the horses around the marry-go-round were never real,

today I have learnt, yet again,

that the apple wears a mask

will the sun shine again?

will you smile again for me?

Will I be deluded again with layers and layers of deceptions?

How can one make the same mistake twice?

the sun will rise again,

but no, it will never be the same.

Is the MC worth it?

My stomach crumbled, Churned like a butter mixer, Never getting it right. Gripping, and pulling, colicky as they described it. The pain shoots up the spine. I rolled myself in fetal position, trying to relieve the pain, hoping to feel better.

God seemed to show no mercy.

The pain intensified. The alarm rings in the background. Forcing me to drag myself out of bed

I HATE WORK

I HATE WORK AT TIMES LIKE THIS

I popped another pill, Set myself on autopilot-mode

The clinics were as busy as the usual, heavy. I do my usual, seeing-patients, flipping the slit lamps, swinging it back and forth.

I twitched, squeezed my stomach, and looked away, hoping that the patient did not notice the pain in my eyes. And, surely, he did not. Not that I put on a good mask, simply because, his lens were too cataractous to visualize. I briefly sent him out, and then rush off to the toilet. Oh God, will this colicky pain ever stop?'

Some people say time heals. In my case, time only amplifies the pain. I popped another pill. Not helping much. Paracetamol, Ponstan, even Arcoxia I’ve tried, - what next? Maybe I need some food, I forced down a piece of bread, not much help.  The frequent toilet trips is killing me.

Why not just go to the Emergency Department? Get an MC and go back to rest. –she suggested.

Do I really need that? – I hesitated, trying to put on a strong upfront.

I tried to see a few more patients, but not much progress. The nurse later found me rolled up on  the examination bed. How embarrassing.... They need not need to see me like this. Maybe this was my limit, I need to rest at my own space and privacy.

So, I gave my friend in ED a call and head down to the ED.

Half way, I kind of regretted not asking my staff nurse to wheel me there. I started to feel a little light-headed for a while. No, I cannot faint, i said to myself. I pause and prayed that the pain will go away.

The Emergency was white. Bright. Like those you see in movies. I spotted my friend.

 I told him my problem, straight forward – I AM SICK, I CANNOT WORK, I NEED AN MC.

The problem with doctors, (and man), in general is… well, they are problem solver.  All I asked was for a MC, but they want to solve more.

Another problem with doctors, they follow rules. So, he just had to get me register, and later get his houseman to clerk me. ( my heart said : I just want an MC)

Perhaps my face couldn’t hide the pain.

Short history taken.Likely dysmenorrhea. Differentials: AGE, UTI.

Being all bossy and all, he said to his houseman, - access pain score, set line, send bloods, send urine FEME, give IV morphine stat. STAT.

‘Do I need a branula?’ ( my heart : NO WAY! Just give me my MC please)

He took my left hand in his, a pink branula in the other. ‘you won’t miss right?’ I asked, hoping for reassurance. ‘I’ll try.’ ( my heart : TRY???)

I caught the houseman, Ashok,giggling at the sight.( my heart: Do you mind screening the curtains? Why? I am human too, and I have every right to be afraid of needles, right?)

I almost cried, the branula was so pain it distracted me from my abdominal pain.

Take blood from the line, he ordered. Not a drop. Maybe I was so scared all my veins got constricted, I cannot be sure. I tried to accommodate, squeeze my palms, but it was hurting me. I gave up. ‘please, if you really want blood, just prick me at my arm again. This hurts.’
 ‘okay- patient refused blood taking’. He said, jokingly.

I think I better call my boss. This would take a while. So, I made the call.
The nurse came with a syringe. ‘What’s that?’ I asked. ‘morphine’ she answered.

I went to look for my friend, their boss. ‘Look.(pause) I don’t think I need morphine. (pause, pause)Morphine is strong. It’s just dysmenorrhea…(bargaining)  I’ve never had morphine before. No, I don’t need morphine.’

‘No worries. Morphine will help with the pain’ he said and gave me the trust-me-look in the eyes.

I am not sure whether it was those kind eyes, or my low-threshold for pain, or my minimal strength and will to fight. And so, I gave in. Whatever you think is best.

The next thing I knew, the nurse pushed that syringe of Morphine. Bolus. So, I officially lost my morphine-virginity…in other words, I am a drug user, officially.

I expected to feel a dash of ‘high’-ness or adrenaline rush.  You know, the way you feel when you are almost drunk, almost. Tip of the tip.

However, it was nothing like that. And whatever happen next was dreadful.

I felt my left arm burning. Like a spike of fire shooting through my veins. I shouted, involuntarily. The pain, was far more worse that my abdominal pain. Sharp. Gripping. Determined.  WHY THE HELL DO THOSE IVDU (intravenous drug users /druggies) JAB THEMSELVES WITH MORPHINE / HEROINE??? TORTUROUS!!! My left arm swelled. Itches. Flares and wheels started to develop. In less than 10 seconds, my left arm was as red as a lobsters’.

I tried to say something, but nothing comes out. Chest tightness.  Gasping. I could feel the airway narrowing.

Help- I uttered.
I can’t breathe.
That was it.

I am only 28. This cannot be it.

I developed an allergic reaction to morphine. IV hydrocortisone stat given. Neb stat.

‘Oh shit. She will kill me’ –He said jokingly.

The thing about doctors, they have a unique sense of humour. 

We joked about life-and-death-situations, we joked at diseases and illnesses.  Others get surprised with these humour.We never thought that, one day, the joke can be on us.

And I, I on the other hand. I am not sure whether to thank him or hate him. To hate him for giving me unnecessary (in my opinion, not necessary) drugs, which gave me a bad allergy reaction AND which could have been even life-threatening. Anaphylaxis, if the bronchospasm was bad enough, one could even end up intubated, ventilated. Should I hate him for that? Or should I thank him for helping me discover my drug allergy. And plus point, it took away the pain.

After all the events, I felt numbed. My body just lay there, incapacitated. Unable to do anything, unable to feel anything else.

I felt weak.Physically, from all the exhaustion. Emotionally, with regrets that I was not strong enough to fight the pain, that I had to rely on drugs, which mind you, could have killed me.
Sure enough, the pain went away. The morphine did its job. Maybe I should thank him for that. I was very sleepy after that.

And in the end. In the end, I did get my MC.
I slept off the whole afternoon, pain free.

All in all, was it worth it? I cannot be sure.  

 

NB: Health professionals are perhaps the people who LEAST take care of their own health, and perhaps the most stubborn, difficult patients of all... frequent defaulters and non-compliers.. or not...

how about bumiputra rights for the Chinese and Indians too??? 1 MALAYSIA...

Came upon an interesting article online... 

i was thinking, Jib-kor, how about bumiputra rights for the Chinese and Indians too??? 

1 MALAYSIA... 

if you make that possible, you have my vote...

Bumiputra benefits for Thais in Malaysia

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By Mazwin Nik Anis and Embun Majid
The Star/Asia News Network
Sunday, Feb 26, 2012

PENDANG, Malaysia - The Thai community has been assured that they are entitled to bumiputra benefits and privileges.

Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak said the community had long been recognised as bumiputra, adding that their loyalty to the country was unquestionable.

The Prime Minister said even Umno recognised them as bumiputra and allowed Malaysians of Thai descent to set up party branches.

"I would like to state that the Thais here are regarded as bumiputras and I will ensure that they are truly recognised and enjoy the bumiputra privileges.

"They have been loyal to the country. Former prime minister Tunku Abdul Rahman had declared the Thai community as bumiputra and today, I reiterate this.

"They are entitled to purchase Amanah Saham Bumiputra shares, enrol in Universiti Institut Teknologi Mara and can apply for various Mara loans, among others," he said when meeting the Thai community at Wat Titi Akar and Wat Nanai yesterday.

He said when the political tsunami hit the country and the state in 2008, the community's support for Barisan Nasional remained strong.

Najib also said that when he introduced the 1Malaysia concept, it was to further elevate the spirit of tolerance to acceptance.

"To realise this, there must be a change in mindset and attitude. The time has come for us to accept the diversity rather than just tolerate it," he said.

Najib said aside from globalisation, the process of localisation was also being pursued by the people.

He cited the setting up of the Thai language school by the community as part of efforts to preserve their culture and tradition as example of localisation efforts.

The Prime Minister announced an allocation of RM500,000 (S$208,450) to the Thai language school in Wat Titi Akar and RM9,000 each to the 48 wats in Kedah.

Earlier in Gurun, he said unity among Malays was the key to national unity.

Najib said Malay unity could be reflected in many ways, including through associations such as silat groups.

Najib said the struggle for the country did not end with Malaysia achieving independence but should continue until the country and Malays achieved excellence.

The Prime Minister was bestowed the "Imam Khalifah Agong Gayong" award by the Seni Silat Pusaka Gayong Malaysia organisation.

His wife Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor, was presented with an award which carries the title "Sri Pelangi Srikandi Utama".

I do not believe in long distance relationships

I do not believe in long distance relationship.

I never did.

I am not saying that it does not work.

I am just saying that it does not work for me.

So when he said:

‘give me a chance, give us a chance,

I promise to make an effort to come and see you every week’

He said confidently,

I was skeptical,

Usually, i do not commit, until i am really really REALLY sure,

which i rarely am,

Nevertheless,

It was a miracle, the way we met,

Almost like a fairytale came true,

And God was on his side,

So, i took a leap of faith,

We took the step.

And he kept his word.

Then, one stormy night, after a long day at work, I got his phone call.

…..

She: So, what will we be doing this weekend?

He: I cannot see you this weekend. My brother is back from Singapore. He’ll be here on Fri, Sat, Sun.

And the process of DABDA(Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance)  begins:

She (in denial): But you promised. Remember, last week, you promised to come on fri,sat,sun!

He: Yes, but I didn’t know my brother will be back

She (in bargaining) : What if you spend time with your brother on fri + sat, then we can spend time on Sunday

He: No, I can’t

She (in depression) : Whatever, do anything you like…

(chat randomly on something else)

She (in depression + sleepiness) : Do anything you like…

He: I think you sound sleepy. Good night

The next day, having in mind that she better plan the weekend,

she texted : You really not seeing me on sunday?

Then he texted:

[Anyway, I need to share this with you. I feel that you are being unreasonable this time, especially what you said to me on the phone last night. He is my brother and it’s been a very long time that I had seen him. This time he is back just for the weekend. I won’t be seeing him that often anymore. I understand that you love me very much and miss me. I do too. Unfortunately, this shows insecurity, and it is a concern. Probably I had come see you every week and it had been a commitment to you, you have taken it for granted. I don’t like what you say everytime you are angry. It hurts me and I can’t sleep on it. This had been an ongoing problem for me. I need my own personal space. But that does not mean that I don’t love you. I just need some space and respect from you]

Such a long text out of the blue.

Selective reading just read one word: SPACE

A vocabulary so new to our relationship.

This not about this weekend or any weekends anymore.

Had I been so naïve that perhaps He did not shared the same enthusiasm of meeting up during the weekends? Perhaps a person’s joy had been another person’s burden? Was it really that suffocating? Why none was mentioned in the beginning itself?

Was I really that hard to get along? Was I suffocating him?

Is it wrong for a girlfriend to demand for more time?

Or is it better for a girlfriend to not demand at all? And be all excited like [yippie, I don’t have to see you this weekend?]

What type of girlfriend tells his boyfriend: It’s okay if you have not prepare anything for my birthday, we can postpone it next time…. Celebrate it next time…

(still being postponed at the moment)

Maybe I have not much experience in relationships, but I do know one, some problem can be solved, and this one is not one of those problems.

So it hit me hard, perhaps he was just tolerating and keeping it all inside until one day, it all burst out.

All guys want their personal SPACE. I am sure some girls will agree with this.

Guys have this ego and primitive need for SPACE.

And Girls can be clingy, over-attached and demanding.

If giving him mon-fri personal space is still not enough, I do not know what more to give.

Daily phone calls every night before sleep, becomes EOD, then biweekly. Slowly tapering…

Perhaps, it’s Kuala Pilah! Living away from home and close friends making me feel so miserable.Having to adapt all over again. On top of being in a department not of one choice, and having bad bad calls. Now, not even the weekends to look forward to. No one seemed to understand the feeling.

I will learn to be more considerate.

I will learn not to demand.

I will learn to detach myself.

I will above all, learn to let go.

Maybe, some puzzles were never meant to find their match.

Lesson #1: Never fall too deep into a relationship. It is a death trap.

Lesson # 2: If you love something, set it free. Give them space (or whatever)

Lesson #3 : Never, NEVER take family picture with your boyfriend family. No matter how good terms you are in. Even if at that moment, you believed that he is the one. Because, if things do not work out, years down the line, when someone asked : who is that girl ? He’ll have to answer: Oh that’s my EX, the bit*h.  And it can be quite awkward.

Lesson #4: Never, never, NEVER book a holiday with your boyfriend 1 year in advance on your credit card. You are no fortune teller, you'll never know what will happen in 1 year time.

So, welcome readers, I’m back to blogging again. I will now spend more time on myself.  Perhaps, I have been neglecting my personal space long enough.

And people say girls are complicated.

I think guys equally are.

I did not believe in long distance relationship.

Now, I do not even believe in relationship.

p/s: fyi, he met his brother 2 weeks ago and his brother is looking for a job in Singapore.
p/ss: even his brother once said he loves his car more than his girl.
(perhaps, everything else)

my current feeling.... soooo LAZY.....

Crazy Marriage Proposal

some people will do anything... really? watch the youtube video below and see.. LoLz