the shadows of chinese new year

Chinese New Year do things to people. the relatives. the friends. the questions. you know. sometimes, they can be scary.

these few days, my relatives has been visiting. and i. i was bombarded with a series of questions. one of the scariest ones were : when are you graduating?

i would answer them, 'some time this year, hopefully. ' you know, the truth is, i don't know. professional exams will be in march. i don't know how much percentage i stand to pass. i guess i never feared this much all my life. what if the examiners decided that i wasn't good enough, that i wasn't safe enough?

failure rates in UKM is the highest amongst all public universities in Malaysia.i don't know why. 10%. yes, meaning, with my batch of 200 students, approximately 20 will fail. this was how they 'uphold the standard'. in fact last year 23 failed. and amongst them were not those borderline students, but some top scorers who are very dedicated to their study. some had panic attacks, some had tuberculosis, some were too anxious and intimidated, some just did not make it. so you see, you cannot afford to fall sick or panic during an exam.

so ya. when i was asked: when are you graduating? i answered them: 'some time this year, hopefully.' i dare not tell them about professional exams in march. i dare not plan post-graduation trips. too many what ifs played in my mind.what if i failed? what if i didn't make it? this terrifies me. it haunts. i don't think i'll ever be strong enough to face failures. i cannot imagine the disappointment in my parents face.

touch wood!!

on the other hand, my elder cousin often got bombarded with the question: when is he getting a girlfriend? when is he getting married? you know, it's kind of nice to have an elder cousin to sort of shield off questions like that for the few of us. okay, maybe good for us, but not so good for him. after all, i'm still studying. and i can always excuse myself with the excuse, 'no time'. hehe.

the problem arises when they start asking me to introduce my friends to him. WALAU! why do this to him leh? don't you think it would be super embarassing to him? so ya, i told my aunt off that day (in a nice way, of course). sometimes, it is not just about meeting people or filling in the gap or following the norm. not about fitting two pieces of puzzles together, nor matching two lonely souls. sometimes, perhaps, it was the right person, and the right moment.

the thing is, we'll never know who or when it is right.

so, my theory cannot pakai. okay, now i'm just ranting.

i find that it very easy for people to relate themselves to you. when you are in the medical line. whether is it some chronic illness they have, or some odd conditions of their friend's and relative's. some might be curious of your life. how tough it is. how is it seeing blood. cadavers. bodies. some talk about unfairness of the educational system. some talk about the government offering good healthcare. some talk about the hectic housemanship. some craved for ghost stories from hospital on-calls. too much ER and house, perhaps?

sometimes, i just wished they would divert their attention from me, to perhaps my sisters, brothers or cousins. really, the same questions every year. the same answers. engineering, psychology, information technology, linguistic, teaching, business are very interesting too! and they are earning big money! then again, money is not everything. oh well. i did try talking to my cousins about their nature of job, then i got loss between some of the technical terms. but i try, i'll always do.

anyways, better start hitting the books. chee yong's going back to HUKM tomorrow to study. mk is already there today. my sister started doing her assignments yesterday. my younger brother is doing his homework downstairs. i seemed like the laziest person on Earth. my books still not yet unpacked.

shinyin, insaflah~

the next month with be tough. the following month even tougher.

happy chinese new year.

p/s: boonLee, i will post a happier post next time. i promise. oh yes, i have something to tell you. remind me when we meet this friday ya.

p/ss: pong, the organiser, how's your plans?