Refections of me...

People used me all the time
And I don’t know why
I just let them

You know, about 3 weeks back, I had this conversation with a friend, and a few others, about motives. She said that, everyone has motives. When someone is suddenly nice to you, there is a reason. They probably need your help for something. Which at the moment, I refused to believe. But the thing that puzzled me most is when she said that, I did not have motives. Which I am not sure whether it is a good or bad thing. It made me sound handicapped… you know, when everyone seemed to have it except you… ‘People take advantage on people like you’, she said. Even I would take advantage of you, she added. OUCH!

And for the rest of the week, I spent my time, analysing the people around me, their motives and all, and it made me feel really bad, used… Why are people using me? I hate being smart suddenly… I tried to convince myself that I use people too… when I need help, I find my friends,.. isn’t that using people too?

And being a Libran, I am indecisive. I have no stand, so I would easily be convinced to follow other people’s wishes,… which sometimes, I really don’t mind, but other times, I carry out reluctantly… which again, is as if I am not really sincere… which made me feel bad after that…. My friend said Libran is an excuse, which may be true, perhaps, it is just my nature to be indecisive, and I wonder is it possible to change one’s character…

I do not mind being used, but it really hurts when one is being used and not appreciated… it make you feel discarded. Like an unrecycleble product. Dumped. Disposed.

So I vowed to change, to learnt to have motives, to learnt to say ‘no’, and to reject other people wishes. I learnt to say ‘I don’t want to go out because I don’t feel like it’ instead of creating a hundred and one excuses and ended up either following the flow or filled with guilt. Yes, that’s my second problem.

1. I do not have motives.
2. I feel guilty easily

And I have this really unusual super defence mechanism. When someone does something bad, or said something bad, I choose to innocently believe that they are good, and I would create like a million excuses for them…. Maybe he said that because he had a bad day, I am sure he did not mean it. Maybe she did not know about it, she would not do it if she knew…. Blah, blah, blah…. RATIONALISATION….. I hate my defence mechanism when it overworks itself…. When a friend did something or said something bad, I would feel sad and disappointed for a moment, and then the defence mechanism would start ticking into action…. Treat others the way you wished to be treated… is that really so?

People tells me secrets, I do not know why… do you people really thing I am trust worthy? And when they tell me secrets, they always make me promise not to tell anyone else… and I do not know why I kept the promise….. which you may think is a good thing, but hey, sometimes, it made me feel like exploding,… like my cerebral can no longer contain the juicy information, eager to burst out from its capsule, to free itself from the bars… thanks to curiosity,.. which now, I resist from asking further, which may expose me to another secret which need to be kept….

Another thing, I complain, like A LOT… I have this weird mechanism to voluntarily offer to help others and regretted after that.. (gee, that make me sound so insincere) sometimes, it just happens spontaneously, I could not control it…. Why the hell did I do that? Because it is the right thing to do? Is there a ‘right thing’ anyway? It is good to help others, but it is really bad to complain about it after that… so, suck it up and just do the job!! Sigh…

Another friend of mine, he described me as ‘water’. Yes, like liquid. He said that I follow the shape of any glass or cup that contained me… I was very lucky because I grew up in a good environment, which a nice family, and nice friends and people around me. I get influenced easily, maybe too easily,.. and if my friends around me are bad, I’ll probably be a bad egg too! I was in Korea for only a week, and look what it has already done to me!! If my parents know my drinking habit, they would probably kill me!! No, I do not drink a lot, maybe like only once a month,.. but I am starting to like drinking, and I find myself in the alcohol section most of the time, checking out the drinks and the prices, which I think, is already bad enough…. I like Heineken, I loved volka! And So Ju cocktail,… And like the time when Aland had this coffee-alcohol drink, whatever you call that, I was like, God, I have to taste that…. sigh… save me man! This is so wrong for a medical student, who by the way is suppose to be advising patients against alcohol!! And I hate salesgirls, salesman, promoters, and the likes…. I can buy a dress just because the salesgirl compliments me, and later just leave it hanging in the cupboard……..yeah, I am a compulsive shopaholic.. Perhaps impulsive too.. I should have known better, but why I keep repeating mistakes?

This reflection list goes on… the more I think, the more depressed I get…. My friend, Chian Ling said, I like you better the way you are, hehe… so well,… maybe I should continue being indecisive, *nyek*

I should not blog about this,.. it is bad for my future career.. but heck! Who reads such a long blogs anyway, unless you have all the time it the world, which you probably had, now that you have already reached the end… oh well… This is MY BLOG, I should have the freedom to write whatever I like! Without being pressured to pacify my readers, it’s not like I get paid or anything… Blogs are suppose to be inspirational, but at this point, i cannot be bothered!! And there is always the delete button! *nyek*

Thanks for reading anyway, and I suppose if I insisted that this is all crap and fiction, you would not believe me anyway… (and the ‘thank you’, by the way, was just me being polite, haha!)

New Year Resolutions

1. Learn to have motives?
2. Do not feel guilty easily
3. Learn to say ‘no’
4. Complain less
5..Be more decisive
6. Do not get influenced easily
7. Stop procrastinating, be organized!
8. Waste less
9. Think positive
10.Study harder?
11.Worry less
12.Adopt a healthy lifestyle
13.Compliance to meds
14.Stop believing in horoscope
15.Stop my net-addiction and caffeine-addiction
16.Stop being obsessed which chocolates
17.WAKE UP!!
18.Start reading the newspaper and other reading materials besides my medical text books and fiction
19.Be generous with encouragements and compliments
20.Be happy =)


(Written on December 15, 2007 at 11:29 AM)