It feels so AWESOME waking up to A NEW MALAYSIA.

Still in disbelief that this day has arrived. Feel so proud to be part of this #merdekamoment which will go down in history.

I want to thank Tun Dr Mahadir for coming out of retirement at the age of 92, to save and reform the country. May you be blessed with good health and many pahalas.

Thank you to all the rakyat who had came out to vote. Some travelling from far, some coming in wheelchairs and tongkats, some coming despite confinement… #everyvotecounts #rakyatholdsthepower You have made this historical moment a reality!

Thank you to all polling and counting agents, volunteers, who tried their best to ensure fair elections this time round.

Thank you to the ex-opposition, now new leaders of Malaysia, for staying strong, not giving up  hope and fighting for a better Malaysia.  The rakyat has placed their hope, trust, and faith in you. Please lead us to a better Malaysia.

Thank you to the brave leaders who exposed the corruption in the country and spoke the truth to enlightened all rakyat of Malaysia. Thank you Tony Pua. Thank you to all who did what they believed is the best for the rakyat, even if it means going against THANOS. Thank you Invoke, thank you Rafizi.Thank you for putting the country first before everything else.

To some of the old leaders, who were good leaders, do keep checks on the new government. Do make sure promises to the rakyat by the new governement are well delievered. Remember that we have to look at the bigger picture and do what is best for the rakyat and the country.

I am so proud of this new change. A new government for the first time after 60 years. Tun Dr Mahadir, oldest Prime Minister in history, gathering his strength to lead the country when he could have just enjoy his retirement in comfort.  I am so proud of our first women, an ophthalmologist, now the Deputy Prime Minister. Doctors have been known for their compassion and sacrifice. The sacrifice started since day 1 medical school itself, when they face hardship to better themselves, when they put patients and others before them.

I am so proud to see a united Malaysia who set aside all differences and do what is best for the country and our next generation. This is truly a MERDEKA experience.

The world is watching us, and it feels so good to see the world seeing Malaysia with a positive light. I pray for a new Malaysia, free of corruption, a better health and education system for our children, media transparency, a boost in Malaysia growth and economy.

Malaysia will restore its good name.

Happy birthday MALAYSIA!

#thisistoogoodnottoblogabout #reborn

Shadows from the past

Shadows from the past

I was making myself a drink in the kitchen, then I got distracted by a memory, a memory once forgotten, and somehow, by accident, or by chance, the cup fell and everything scattered, spilled all over the white tiled floor.

I suppose most people, perhaps almost everyone, must have had shadows of their past. Memories that they had forced themselves to forget, inhibited, locked in a safe, at the dark corner of their mind.

Yet, somehow, after a couple of months, sometimes even years, somehow, no matter how powerful your mind tries to inhibit the memories, you never quite forget them.

For Boon Lee, I suppose it must have been 'okane'. Even after happily married, one sudden day, her zhimui (sister friend) would suddenly watsapp her and say: guess what? I saw okane the other day on the street with another girl. Thought you would like to know. And the thing is, I could tell that there was a part of her which had not quite let go the shadow of her past.

God always have His plans. His reasons. As for me, when mine revisited my mind, I just had to spill everything. Pure foolishness and stupidity  I have to admit. So there I was, on my fours, scrubbing the floors of my kitchen. As the tiles became cleaner, my mind clearer. As if the shadows of my past being wiped away. I was so soiled that I had to took a shower after that. And that made me feel better.

It made me think. Does everyone else have a shadow of their past? How do they cope with it? What if they need to face it almost everyday? What if they lived in fear of being reminded of the past? Was I ever, by chance a shadow of someone else's?

P/s: Back to reality. No time for mind games, just finding excuses not to study. Sigh...

The worst feeling is when someone makes you feel special, then suddenly leaves you hanging and you have to act like you don't care at all.

The worst feeling is when someone makes you feel special,

 then suddenly leaves you hanging

 and you have to act like you don't care at all.

I think at some point in life, we would have experienced this.

FALSE HOPE. 

Whether it is from this guy or girl, lifting you up, giving promises with no expiry dates. 

Otherwise, it could be your boss giving you false signals on a promotion,
 huge bonus or increment. 

Sometimes, even a parent gives a child false hope, vice versa.

I started off wanting to blog about coping with this,
 coping with false hope.

Then i just stared into a blank page 

and realized that i have not figure out the answers myself either.

And i find that very often,

 i just close the door, hid it in the corner, 

put it aside and never want to talk about it. 

You close the door to your heart
as a protective mechanism to keep it safe from harm.

I guess ignorant is NOT a bliss, and not the best way to cope with this.

But i have hopes, 

(be positive!)

when i finally figure out how, 

i shall share it with you guys.

Till then, 

love, and be loved.

Are we just too busy building sand castles in the sky???

Some people reach a part of life where their lives become a routine, almost. Waking up at seven, getting ready, off to work, home, dinner, rest and relax, then off to bed. Then the cycle repeats again. Occasionally, something interesting takes place. Then you pause. Then you return back to your cycle.

Is it by force or is it by choice?

I envied those people who are still enjoying their study life. ‘Enjoy your study life now, as it is the best phase in life!’ I said. ‘Working is a whole other thing,’ my head shook.

Working changes a person. Or at least me. One get too caught up in work, all bundled up between the routines, that sometimes, they do forget the important things in life. Sometimes, they even forgot how to live. Perhaps it is the stress, maybe it is the heavy workload, or the way our mind and body overworked itself. With that, One put itself on autopilot mode to do the routines and go home, get to bed and sleep.

Being a mother changes a person. Between coaxing the baby to sleep, changing diapers and feeding the child, it is not easy. Not that I am a mother. Not yet, at least. One of my bestfriends, Audrey just delivered her baby three months back. From my observation, a mother is a full time 24 hours job. And it ain’t easy one bit!

One tries to make time for family, extended family, the other half, the colleagues, the university friends, the high school friends, and maybe the puppy too.

I have four weekends in a month. And out of four, two which I need to work, in Kuala Pilah. That is how precious my weekends are. So, I like to plan my weekends ahead. Not that I am not spontaneous, I just like to plan it out, so that I get the most out of it.

TIME. There is just not enough of it.

So subconsciously, one tries to prioritize the things in life. And the bad thing about prioritizing is, along the way, some things (or some people) are sacrificed.  

For instance, my blog. The last post was in January 2013. The last confession shared dated April 22 2012, or April 24 - which was nearly a year ago. So,yes, my BloG, is dying. And each time i attempt to resuscitate it, it beats a while, gasps a few breaths, and then goes flat line again. Blogging, something which I once enjoyed doing very much, something which was once a part of me, it was somewhat surgically removed my life. And I am not even married with kids yet!

So, like I said, studying IS one of the best times in life. Perhaps your biggest worries back then were passing examinations, the new pimple on your left cheek, or whether the cute guy next door likes you. And if you are unlucky, school bullies. But well, that is it.

So, I still envied those people who are still studying. But, well, I had my time, so move on.

Bottom line here is, just in case I had deviated too far: Indeed, working had became  the new part of my life, the new me, but I would just like to remind myself, before i embark further on, yes, I NEED to remind myself, not to lose myself along the way.

There is more to life than just work. Family, friends, loved ones.  Do not allow them to be subconsciously surgically removed from your life. Do not allow the distance to space out. It takes both sides to fight for each other.

Bryan Dyson once said: Value has a Value only if its Value is Valued 

TIME. There is just not enough of it. 
Yet, we HAVE to FIND time. 
Yes, We NEED to MAKE time.

Do not lose yourself.

Listen, Listen, LISTEN, Let Me Speak....

WELL SAID BAWANI!!! you are the voice of the people and you are strong and courages!!! Puan Sharifah should let Bawani finish first and not cut her short, and take away her mic. She is just a child. Let her finish then teach her and guide her.

Bawani have to learn to be more calm and less emotional... She may be slightly provocative, but she is just a student, it is forgivable...  however, Sharifah, you are the President of Suara Wanita 1Malaysia (SW1M), one of the leaders of Malaysia, yet you portrayed such poor professionalism and had degraded yourself... if this is how is shall be, i wouldn't want you to speak for me... 

Besides, there were some flaws in Bawani's speech, like the calculations she gave, surely, we need more money than that to educate the people... a medical degree (at private) itself  cost half a million per person!! But Sharifah did not tell her that, she did not correct her, and she did not answer her question or clear her doubts.. this will only leave the girl lost, and later easily manipulated by others,... so, sharifah, you have disappoint us...

We can learn from other countries. It is good to know our shortcomings so that we can reflect in ourselves and learn to improve ourselves, our country... there is so much Potential in Malaysia!! We should not just be contented and not want to work further,... NO, we should strive harder for a better future for our later generation... and for God sake, stop talking about animals, what does the animals have to do with our election system and our educational system... the ministry should send a better representative to chair the meeting,... the rebuttal is just ridiculous!! animals and all,... please,.. your thinking seemed more shallow than the child,.. surely, you should be able to do better than naming all the types of animals on earth!! no credits for that sharifah! 

if it was not on video, i would not have believed it myself... i only feel sad that there was noone else in the hall to back up Bawani,... i would have, if i were there,... shame on the other students!!

A: Can i say a few things? Can i say a few words?
B: No, Hijrah, i think all this things are very child....
---> no respect for the person on stage, and broken english...

how disappointing to see this

As much as i love my country, and despite Puan Sharifah asking me to go to Cuba and Argentina, etc... i like to believe that there is still hope for our country.... my brain ask me to leave, but my heart say stay,... and perhaps, this is love,... and i hope that our love will be appreciated and we will have better leaders...

p/s: an entertaining clip from Namewee to cheer you up!

L.O.V.E.

Love

is too complicated to understand, analyse or interpret,

sometimes,

you just have to take that leap of faith,

and fall for it

~shinyin~

The sky is no longer the limit

NEIL ARMSTRONG,

He proved that the sky is no longer the limit.

Every dream,

no matter how small,

begins with just one small step.

LIVE the dream!!

Even when your heart is breaking, keep smiling.

Even when your heart is breaking, keep smiling,

Even when the world is turned, keep walking.

Even when life is tough, keep fighting.

Keep smiling, yes, for clouds will part,

And sun will soon begin

To warm your heart as God restores

Your peace and joy within.

The canvas painting of a thousand words, takes a thousand more to decipher…

it rained again today

this time heavier, stormier

perhaps heavy enough to soak me in

perhaps stormy enough to shake my senses back into reality

I hid in the corner of my room,

Within the shadows of my soul,

I will not be found here,

I will not be exposed,

I will learnt to protect myself.

Curiosity kills the cat,

Of did the cat found the reality too overwhelming that it had to kill itself,

This we will never know,

But then again,

What does not kill you makes you stronger.

and all this while I thought pink cotton candy was sweet

and all this while I thought that his hands were warm for me,

the horses around the marry-go-round were never real,

today I have learnt, yet again,

that the apple wears a mask

will the sun shine again?

will you smile again for me?

Will I be deluded again with layers and layers of deceptions?

How can one make the same mistake twice?

the sun will rise again,

but no, it will never be the same.

Is the MC worth it?

My stomach crumbled, Churned like a butter mixer, Never getting it right. Gripping, and pulling, colicky as they described it. The pain shoots up the spine. I rolled myself in fetal position, trying to relieve the pain, hoping to feel better.

God seemed to show no mercy.

The pain intensified. The alarm rings in the background. Forcing me to drag myself out of bed

I HATE WORK

I HATE WORK AT TIMES LIKE THIS

I popped another pill, Set myself on autopilot-mode

The clinics were as busy as the usual, heavy. I do my usual, seeing-patients, flipping the slit lamps, swinging it back and forth.

I twitched, squeezed my stomach, and looked away, hoping that the patient did not notice the pain in my eyes. And, surely, he did not. Not that I put on a good mask, simply because, his lens were too cataractous to visualize. I briefly sent him out, and then rush off to the toilet. Oh God, will this colicky pain ever stop?'

Some people say time heals. In my case, time only amplifies the pain. I popped another pill. Not helping much. Paracetamol, Ponstan, even Arcoxia I’ve tried, - what next? Maybe I need some food, I forced down a piece of bread, not much help.  The frequent toilet trips is killing me.

Why not just go to the Emergency Department? Get an MC and go back to rest. –she suggested.

Do I really need that? – I hesitated, trying to put on a strong upfront.

I tried to see a few more patients, but not much progress. The nurse later found me rolled up on  the examination bed. How embarrassing.... They need not need to see me like this. Maybe this was my limit, I need to rest at my own space and privacy.

So, I gave my friend in ED a call and head down to the ED.

Half way, I kind of regretted not asking my staff nurse to wheel me there. I started to feel a little light-headed for a while. No, I cannot faint, i said to myself. I pause and prayed that the pain will go away.

The Emergency was white. Bright. Like those you see in movies. I spotted my friend.

 I told him my problem, straight forward – I AM SICK, I CANNOT WORK, I NEED AN MC.

The problem with doctors, (and man), in general is… well, they are problem solver.  All I asked was for a MC, but they want to solve more.

Another problem with doctors, they follow rules. So, he just had to get me register, and later get his houseman to clerk me. ( my heart said : I just want an MC)

Perhaps my face couldn’t hide the pain.

Short history taken.Likely dysmenorrhea. Differentials: AGE, UTI.

Being all bossy and all, he said to his houseman, - access pain score, set line, send bloods, send urine FEME, give IV morphine stat. STAT.

‘Do I need a branula?’ ( my heart : NO WAY! Just give me my MC please)

He took my left hand in his, a pink branula in the other. ‘you won’t miss right?’ I asked, hoping for reassurance. ‘I’ll try.’ ( my heart : TRY???)

I caught the houseman, Ashok,giggling at the sight.( my heart: Do you mind screening the curtains? Why? I am human too, and I have every right to be afraid of needles, right?)

I almost cried, the branula was so pain it distracted me from my abdominal pain.

Take blood from the line, he ordered. Not a drop. Maybe I was so scared all my veins got constricted, I cannot be sure. I tried to accommodate, squeeze my palms, but it was hurting me. I gave up. ‘please, if you really want blood, just prick me at my arm again. This hurts.’
 ‘okay- patient refused blood taking’. He said, jokingly.

I think I better call my boss. This would take a while. So, I made the call.
The nurse came with a syringe. ‘What’s that?’ I asked. ‘morphine’ she answered.

I went to look for my friend, their boss. ‘Look.(pause) I don’t think I need morphine. (pause, pause)Morphine is strong. It’s just dysmenorrhea…(bargaining)  I’ve never had morphine before. No, I don’t need morphine.’

‘No worries. Morphine will help with the pain’ he said and gave me the trust-me-look in the eyes.

I am not sure whether it was those kind eyes, or my low-threshold for pain, or my minimal strength and will to fight. And so, I gave in. Whatever you think is best.

The next thing I knew, the nurse pushed that syringe of Morphine. Bolus. So, I officially lost my morphine-virginity…in other words, I am a drug user, officially.

I expected to feel a dash of ‘high’-ness or adrenaline rush.  You know, the way you feel when you are almost drunk, almost. Tip of the tip.

However, it was nothing like that. And whatever happen next was dreadful.

I felt my left arm burning. Like a spike of fire shooting through my veins. I shouted, involuntarily. The pain, was far more worse that my abdominal pain. Sharp. Gripping. Determined.  WHY THE HELL DO THOSE IVDU (intravenous drug users /druggies) JAB THEMSELVES WITH MORPHINE / HEROINE??? TORTUROUS!!! My left arm swelled. Itches. Flares and wheels started to develop. In less than 10 seconds, my left arm was as red as a lobsters’.

I tried to say something, but nothing comes out. Chest tightness.  Gasping. I could feel the airway narrowing.

Help- I uttered.
I can’t breathe.
That was it.

I am only 28. This cannot be it.

I developed an allergic reaction to morphine. IV hydrocortisone stat given. Neb stat.

‘Oh shit. She will kill me’ –He said jokingly.

The thing about doctors, they have a unique sense of humour. 

We joked about life-and-death-situations, we joked at diseases and illnesses.  Others get surprised with these humour.We never thought that, one day, the joke can be on us.

And I, I on the other hand. I am not sure whether to thank him or hate him. To hate him for giving me unnecessary (in my opinion, not necessary) drugs, which gave me a bad allergy reaction AND which could have been even life-threatening. Anaphylaxis, if the bronchospasm was bad enough, one could even end up intubated, ventilated. Should I hate him for that? Or should I thank him for helping me discover my drug allergy. And plus point, it took away the pain.

After all the events, I felt numbed. My body just lay there, incapacitated. Unable to do anything, unable to feel anything else.

I felt weak.Physically, from all the exhaustion. Emotionally, with regrets that I was not strong enough to fight the pain, that I had to rely on drugs, which mind you, could have killed me.
Sure enough, the pain went away. The morphine did its job. Maybe I should thank him for that. I was very sleepy after that.

And in the end. In the end, I did get my MC.
I slept off the whole afternoon, pain free.

All in all, was it worth it? I cannot be sure.  

 

NB: Health professionals are perhaps the people who LEAST take care of their own health, and perhaps the most stubborn, difficult patients of all... frequent defaulters and non-compliers.. or not...

how about bumiputra rights for the Chinese and Indians too??? 1 MALAYSIA...

Came upon an interesting article online... 

i was thinking, Jib-kor, how about bumiputra rights for the Chinese and Indians too??? 

1 MALAYSIA... 

if you make that possible, you have my vote...

Bumiputra benefits for Thais in Malaysia

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By Mazwin Nik Anis and Embun Majid
The Star/Asia News Network
Sunday, Feb 26, 2012

PENDANG, Malaysia - The Thai community has been assured that they are entitled to bumiputra benefits and privileges.

Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak said the community had long been recognised as bumiputra, adding that their loyalty to the country was unquestionable.

The Prime Minister said even Umno recognised them as bumiputra and allowed Malaysians of Thai descent to set up party branches.

"I would like to state that the Thais here are regarded as bumiputras and I will ensure that they are truly recognised and enjoy the bumiputra privileges.

"They have been loyal to the country. Former prime minister Tunku Abdul Rahman had declared the Thai community as bumiputra and today, I reiterate this.

"They are entitled to purchase Amanah Saham Bumiputra shares, enrol in Universiti Institut Teknologi Mara and can apply for various Mara loans, among others," he said when meeting the Thai community at Wat Titi Akar and Wat Nanai yesterday.

He said when the political tsunami hit the country and the state in 2008, the community's support for Barisan Nasional remained strong.

Najib also said that when he introduced the 1Malaysia concept, it was to further elevate the spirit of tolerance to acceptance.

"To realise this, there must be a change in mindset and attitude. The time has come for us to accept the diversity rather than just tolerate it," he said.

Najib said aside from globalisation, the process of localisation was also being pursued by the people.

He cited the setting up of the Thai language school by the community as part of efforts to preserve their culture and tradition as example of localisation efforts.

The Prime Minister announced an allocation of RM500,000 (S$208,450) to the Thai language school in Wat Titi Akar and RM9,000 each to the 48 wats in Kedah.

Earlier in Gurun, he said unity among Malays was the key to national unity.

Najib said Malay unity could be reflected in many ways, including through associations such as silat groups.

Najib said the struggle for the country did not end with Malaysia achieving independence but should continue until the country and Malays achieved excellence.

The Prime Minister was bestowed the "Imam Khalifah Agong Gayong" award by the Seni Silat Pusaka Gayong Malaysia organisation.

His wife Datin Seri Rosmah Mansor, was presented with an award which carries the title "Sri Pelangi Srikandi Utama".