Friday, November 11, 2005

confession of a medic student #4

(November 11, 2005 at 02:18 AM)

It had been 2 weeks already since I last online, a record I’ll say... funny to think that I did’t have the net-addiction during the holidays... perhaps it was the stress-free life, or maybe it was because i was simply doing what I liked best - rotting... somehow, it was nice just relaxing, going shopping, reading non-academic books (novels), chit-chatting, hanging around, or just couch-potato-ing... *siGh*.... yet, apart of me felt a little guilty not doing anything productive, somehow, I felt like I lost purpose... 'don’t worry',i said to myself, as usual, I always managed to suppressed the latter feelings,.. So my books and notes left untouched… *siGh*… what’s new anyway?

My sister is having her SPM now, yet she seemed so relaxed. “I don’t have to study very hard because I don’t want all A’s… I don’t want to be a doctor or a pharmacy or an engineer.. I want to be a teacher…lots of holidays! A teacher don’t need a string of A’s” I wasn’t sure how to react to a remark like that. I told her to do her best, tried to convince her that a teacher’s job ain’t easy either. The thought of -hey, maybe I should consider being a teacher- did secretly crossed my mind though…

The week before my holidays, I went to church. I can’t remember the last time going to church. Mind you, I’m not a Christian, so going to church wasn’t an obligation for me. I remembered in primary school, I argued with my Muslim friends that most of us follow our parents religion… If your parents are Muslim, you’re probably a Muslim too, same goes to Christian, Buddhism, Taoism, etc…I told them, if you were borne to Christian family, chances are, you’re probably a Christian as well,.. If I am borne to a Muslim family, I’ll most likely be praying to Allah. Being afraid to sin, they all disagreed with me, saying that they’ll convert to their own religion no matter what!! I remembered clearly, all of them disagreed except one. His name was Kamal.

I BELIEVE IN GOD. Or rather, I chose to believe in God- the creator, a greater power. Humans had spent so much time, sacrificed so many lives in search of HIM. They concluded with many different religion you see today. I’m not saying that religion is bad or fake - this is a very sensitive issue (God knows, I might even get sued for this). In fact, I truly support and encourages religion as all of them tell us to do good. If EVERYONE follows their religion, I’m sure this would be a better world. No more fights, No more cries, No more war.

So, I labelled myself as a free-thinker. Note, a free-thinker, not an atheist. Yeah, I don’t believe the monkey thing. I don’t deny evolution either. Perhaps, there is another origin of humans, one that we haven’t discover. Maybe God is watching as, like the way we watch the tiny ants.

Buddhism is probably just a phrase I used to fill in the blank next to religion in forms. Hell, I don’t understand a thing about Buddhism, the karma law and stuff. There’s the Buddha statue at the alter, next to the Guan Ying, Guan Gong and yin yang symbol. There’s numerous 7-star-crystal, silver papers and josh sticks. Then there’s Jesus on the cross, all of them in the comfort of my living room. As a kid, I used to wonder whether all the different Gods would fight. My dad claims he’s a Buddhist, mum said she’s a Christian, yet they both burn silver papers to the ancestors- which to me is more of an act of Taoism. Perhaps it’s more of a ritual than a belief. I don’t know…

My parents brought me to this Siamist temple two days ago. It was this Sangkasa Celebration (Robes Offering Celebration). It would have been easier if I understood what the monks were chanting. Sometimes, it really amaze me how people can believe so much without understanding the meaning. My aunt actually memorized the whole 1-hour chant and no, she does not know Thai Language!

Where was I.. oh yes, I went to church the week before my holidays. I realised how much my mandarin sucked when I could not understand half of what the priest was preaching in front. (yes, that church was in Chinese, and i was my first time attending a mast in Chinese)However, I like the feeling of being in church or a temple. Perhaps it made me feel closer to God. Perhaps, it gave me peace. Perhaps, it made me felt sheltered, protected, reassured. Perhaps, it gave me hope, faith.



  1. hey!! was browsing some old posts and voila!!

    Here I found any FT (Free Thinker)!

    Life must be hard to agnostic?:P

  2. wow! you found the posting i wrote when i was in 1st year.. it felt nice, even for me, to read it again..
    yeah, it's really hard to go through med school, or life in general, without a strong believe to fall back to... but i didn't want to jump into a religion until i trully understand it.. so, i was kinda like, erm, how should i call it... 'religion-hopping'.. haha!
    so, you're a free-thinker too ya? how did u managed?


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