COAMS #17 @ Medicine Rotations

Date : 14062006 (1930pm)
Mood : Sometimes, one convince oneself so much that one can’t tell what is real and what is not…

I wrote my diary today. Hasn’t done that for the past 3 months, which is a big deal for me, considering my unstable emotional fluctuant. Sometimes, I feel that filling up the pages of a diary is like a therapy. It helps me think, the way music and sports make people think.

Today, my lecturer said something about anxiety. It was quite personal as I had the similar episode before, to the extend that I was rushed to the Hospital Kuala Lumpur. But of course, during that time I didn’t realize that it was anxiety. I was hyperventilating and had peripheral paraesthesia - fingers numbness. I was pretty convinced at that point that I had another asthmatic attack. My friend believed that the 2 pitiful prawns I had for dinner after blood donation had triggered it. Indeed, I was so annoyed when the doctor at A&E Dept kept asking me whether I am stressed, about my exams, etc… In fact, I kept insisting that I’m ‘UNDER’-STRESSED, meaning having too little stress, having stress level lower that I should… oh God… I can be such a ‘difficult’ patient, sometimes… to think that I’m form Med school.. haha!

That’s not the main point. The thing is, Datin Norella said today that when people faces a problem, very often, they may try to channel their problem towards something else, something more manageable, like being sick. When one is sick, one sees a doctor, one take medication, one gets well, full stop! The problem is, she didn’t tell me how to treat the problem… * siGh *… I mean, I know how to treat anxiety, hyperventilation, metabolic alkalosis etc… but how to you prevent going into anxiety? Stop med school?

I don’t feel well today. But I clearly know I am not sick. It’s just a feeling, not feeling good. One of those days you feel that it’s your ‘bad-hair-day’.. but you can’t really tell why…

It’s the fourth week of my Medicine posting (which, supposing is the toughest and scariest posting in the entire year). I’m like half way through, yet I feel that it has just begun. I’m not sure whether I am stressed or am I lacking stress. I want to have a healthy amount of stress, I know that I SHOULD be stressed, I NEED TO BE STRESSED, only then I would start pushing myself and induce adrenaline production. Until then, I’m in the –I-AM-TOO-LAZY-AND-I-DON’t-GIVE-A-DAMN- state…. *siGh *… it’s sad right? Having med student like me? Maybe I need self-motivational books.. I wonder, is there a [MEDICINE-FOR-DUMMIES] book.. Hmm…


Sometimes, one convince oneself so much that one can’t tell what is real and what is not…