Refections of me...

People used me all the time
And I don’t know why
I just let them

You know, about 3 weeks back, I had this conversation with a friend, and a few others, about motives. She said that, everyone has motives. When someone is suddenly nice to you, there is a reason. They probably need your help for something. Which at the moment, I refused to believe. But the thing that puzzled me most is when she said that, I did not have motives. Which I am not sure whether it is a good or bad thing. It made me sound handicapped… you know, when everyone seemed to have it except you… ‘People take advantage on people like you’, she said. Even I would take advantage of you, she added. OUCH!

And for the rest of the week, I spent my time, analysing the people around me, their motives and all, and it made me feel really bad, used… Why are people using me? I hate being smart suddenly… I tried to convince myself that I use people too… when I need help, I find my friends,.. isn’t that using people too?

And being a Libran, I am indecisive. I have no stand, so I would easily be convinced to follow other people’s wishes,… which sometimes, I really don’t mind, but other times, I carry out reluctantly… which again, is as if I am not really sincere… which made me feel bad after that…. My friend said Libran is an excuse, which may be true, perhaps, it is just my nature to be indecisive, and I wonder is it possible to change one’s character…

I do not mind being used, but it really hurts when one is being used and not appreciated… it make you feel discarded. Like an unrecycleble product. Dumped. Disposed.

So I vowed to change, to learnt to have motives, to learnt to say ‘no’, and to reject other people wishes. I learnt to say ‘I don’t want to go out because I don’t feel like it’ instead of creating a hundred and one excuses and ended up either following the flow or filled with guilt. Yes, that’s my second problem.

1. I do not have motives.
2. I feel guilty easily

And I have this really unusual super defence mechanism. When someone does something bad, or said something bad, I choose to innocently believe that they are good, and I would create like a million excuses for them…. Maybe he said that because he had a bad day, I am sure he did not mean it. Maybe she did not know about it, she would not do it if she knew…. Blah, blah, blah…. RATIONALISATION….. I hate my defence mechanism when it overworks itself…. When a friend did something or said something bad, I would feel sad and disappointed for a moment, and then the defence mechanism would start ticking into action…. Treat others the way you wished to be treated… is that really so?

People tells me secrets, I do not know why… do you people really thing I am trust worthy? And when they tell me secrets, they always make me promise not to tell anyone else… and I do not know why I kept the promise….. which you may think is a good thing, but hey, sometimes, it made me feel like exploding,… like my cerebral can no longer contain the juicy information, eager to burst out from its capsule, to free itself from the bars… thanks to curiosity,.. which now, I resist from asking further, which may expose me to another secret which need to be kept….

Another thing, I complain, like A LOT… I have this weird mechanism to voluntarily offer to help others and regretted after that.. (gee, that make me sound so insincere) sometimes, it just happens spontaneously, I could not control it…. Why the hell did I do that? Because it is the right thing to do? Is there a ‘right thing’ anyway? It is good to help others, but it is really bad to complain about it after that… so, suck it up and just do the job!! Sigh…

Another friend of mine, he described me as ‘water’. Yes, like liquid. He said that I follow the shape of any glass or cup that contained me… I was very lucky because I grew up in a good environment, which a nice family, and nice friends and people around me. I get influenced easily, maybe too easily,.. and if my friends around me are bad, I’ll probably be a bad egg too! I was in Korea for only a week, and look what it has already done to me!! If my parents know my drinking habit, they would probably kill me!! No, I do not drink a lot, maybe like only once a month,.. but I am starting to like drinking, and I find myself in the alcohol section most of the time, checking out the drinks and the prices, which I think, is already bad enough…. I like Heineken, I loved volka! And So Ju cocktail,… And like the time when Aland had this coffee-alcohol drink, whatever you call that, I was like, God, I have to taste that…. sigh… save me man! This is so wrong for a medical student, who by the way is suppose to be advising patients against alcohol!! And I hate salesgirls, salesman, promoters, and the likes…. I can buy a dress just because the salesgirl compliments me, and later just leave it hanging in the cupboard……..yeah, I am a compulsive shopaholic.. Perhaps impulsive too.. I should have known better, but why I keep repeating mistakes?

This reflection list goes on… the more I think, the more depressed I get…. My friend, Chian Ling said, I like you better the way you are, hehe… so well,… maybe I should continue being indecisive, *nyek*

I should not blog about this,.. it is bad for my future career.. but heck! Who reads such a long blogs anyway, unless you have all the time it the world, which you probably had, now that you have already reached the end… oh well… This is MY BLOG, I should have the freedom to write whatever I like! Without being pressured to pacify my readers, it’s not like I get paid or anything… Blogs are suppose to be inspirational, but at this point, i cannot be bothered!! And there is always the delete button! *nyek*

Thanks for reading anyway, and I suppose if I insisted that this is all crap and fiction, you would not believe me anyway… (and the ‘thank you’, by the way, was just me being polite, haha!)

New Year Resolutions

1. Learn to have motives?
2. Do not feel guilty easily
3. Learn to say ‘no’
4. Complain less
5..Be more decisive
6. Do not get influenced easily
7. Stop procrastinating, be organized!
8. Waste less
9. Think positive
10.Study harder?
11.Worry less
12.Adopt a healthy lifestyle
13.Compliance to meds
14.Stop believing in horoscope
15.Stop my net-addiction and caffeine-addiction
16.Stop being obsessed which chocolates
17.WAKE UP!!
18.Start reading the newspaper and other reading materials besides my medical text books and fiction
19.Be generous with encouragements and compliments
20.Be happy =)


(Written on December 15, 2007 at 11:29 AM)

COAMS #40 - Semenyih blues.........

Dear all,

I am typing from my hostel room, in Semenyih… I haven’t figure out who to address this letter to, I am, well, just typing… 3 weeks here, I have lived such a boring meaningless life. Meaningless, perhaps because I do not really enjoy what I am doing, research. And perhaps, I do not like this place either. And maybe because I have to share my room with 10 other people, being stripped off the luxury of having a single room which I had since 10 years old.

Perhaps I should elaborate more on what I do here. And why I hate what I am doing here. For the first week, I had the room lights waking me up as early as 5am, with my friends performing their prayers, while I tried to steal extra sleep under my covers. Not to forget people chattering at the background, when I decide to sleep early. Eventually, I got used to sleeping with the lights on, sharing a common bathroom, and sharing the same speed of fan.

I am allergic to the kampong.

And I mean it quite literally.

You see, our research area is in Kampong Kuala Pajam, which is at the border of Selangor and Negeri Sembilan. My home is just a 40minutes drive away. Many times, I have the urge to just drive myself home and forget everything. Anyway, back to the kampong. Like I have said, I am allergic to the kampong. I would end up with red rashes at my limbs. I am not sure whether it is the grass, the sand, or just the air. Allergens seemed to be everywhere. Avoiding grassy areas did not help much.

And guess what? The villages in Kampung Kuala Pajam does not have the luxury of the Town Council (Majlis Perbandaran) workers coming to empty their rubbish bins. In fact, they had to burn all their rubbish! And I seriously mean ALL, yes, the smoky-open-burning thingy…. Which I hate it, a lot! My lungs practically rejected it by giving me an asthmatic attack! Oh well..

Anyway, I am still recovering from the sun-burn from the beach 2 weeks back and the sun in semenyih which somehow seemed to be much hotter than other parts of Malaysia. Perhaps also recovering from even more things. The scorching sun cut through my skin, dehydrating it as I resist from scratching my skin. I did as many as 3 face masks that week, my friends thought I was obsessed.

I guess what made me hate this place most is because I believe this place made me sick. Well, it could all be a co-incident, the upper respiratory tract infection, my wisdom teeth growing and the intense menstrual pain, all hitting me at a go. It’s like the whole world is going on a strike against me. I have been abusing antibiotics and pain killers for the past week.

I am back to the hospital. And I realise how much I missed the hospital. Not so much of the clerking and educational part, I simply missed the smell of HUKM, the clean walls, the people… oh well….

p/s: My posting mates turned out to be pretty fun people,... but semenyih, the place is just not for me............

(Written on December 14, 2007 at 06:29 AM)

LINK: i found another old post of mine, on another Kampong experience in Kedah, back in 2006... surprisingly, my opinions of the kampong was totally different from this!! perhaps, it's the shorter duration, or perhaps it was 1st time syndrome... click to read it here..

COAMS #39 - The first delivery conducted

OS FULLY!!! Dr Yuli shouted while I stared at my index and middle fingers, still trying to figure out whether they were 10 cm apart.

The mother had been suffering over 8 hours of intense labour pain, with contractions pain as often as 5 in every 10 minutes. Imagine having terrible menstrual pain, once every 2 minutes, and multiply the intensity 10 times. Or perhaps a toothache or an awful stomach ache, intensity multiplied 20 times. Labour pain has long been agreed upon to be the worst pain on Earth. Women admired for the strength to endure it.

Bringing water, readjusting the bed, offering the extra pillow, holding the mother’s hand and reassuring her- these had been the medical student’s role here at the labour room in HUKM. Ermmm.., I would not want to leave you with the impression that we have limited ‘function’. I mean, apart from that, students also set the IV line, apply the CTG monitors, run the pitocin, fill up partographs, catheterize patients, etc… but patients often remembers the former.

The calm labour room quickly evolved to a battlefield, as if getting ready for a war. The mother shouting in pain, and everyone else moving swiftly, taking their positions. I grabbed the apron and put on the sterile gloves. People around me were dressed, prepared, and readied. The delivery set opened, sterile drape spread out. She was in lithotomy position, hips and knees bend, both hands grabbing her respective legs. The suction device heard at the background, readied to welcome the baby. I tried to calm the patient, tried harder to calm myself.

The baby’s head appeared at the vaginal opening, as the mother pushed with all her might. ‘TERAN!!’ we shouted in unison, the doctor, the midwives, the students, all very supportive, like a cheerleading team at a ball game. The mother working very hard, doing a very good job, probably she had learnt very much from her previous experiences.

I held the baby’s head while Dr Yuli said, ‘It’s exactly what I taught you in class, stay calm, you can do it’. I was numbed. My hands moved automatically, very obedient to her verbal instructions. The baby squeezed through the passage faster than I expected. A series of pictures flashed through my head. The tension eased, the baby slid out. I clamped the umbilical cord and cut it. The baby cried. I let out a sigh of relief. I was stunned.

The world is a beautiful world.

‘Show it to the mother’ a voice instructed, breaking my thoughts.
Right. I held the baby in front of the mother.
‘Lelaki atau perempuan?’ Dr Yuli asked the mother on my behalf.
‘Perempuan’ she answered, almost breathless.
‘Congratulations!’ I said excitedly.
‘Thank you everyone’, she replied with a smile.

The midwife cleaned the baby and wrapped her in warm sheets.

‘Your first time?’ the Doctor asked.
Yes, I replied. I wondered when she started realizing it.
Congratulations, she said. Thanks Doctor, I replied.

Blood was taken. Lower abdomen massaged, placental delivered and checked. My heart sang happily, as I cleaned up the mess, helped the mother to change and tried to make her as comfortable as possible.

It was a full term 2.54kg baby girl delivered via spontaneous vertex delivery after 12 minutes in second stage. Baby’s Apgar scores were 9/10. Placental and membranes were completely delivered and they weight 600mg. Cord pH was 7.306. Estimated blood loss was 200cc.

I conducted my first delivery that day.

Her name was Aifa Amira.I brought life to Earth.

Correction: God created life. The parents bought life to Earth. The team and I merely facilitate. But it felt so good. Delivery of a child is a magical experience. And I was glad Dr Yuli was so nice, and even more glad that it was a successful delivery.

I called my mum that day and shared with her my experience. I never felt so thankful and appreciative of the pain she went through. She agreed with the rest of the world that labour pain was the worst pain on Earth. She added that I was a very stubborn baby, (still very stubborn now). They had to forcep me out. Okay, let’s not imagine how I might have looked during the first few days of my life.

And if you are wondering whether I will ever put myself through that extreme labour pain,…. Considering my low threshold for pain – N-E-V-E-R!! Well,…….. there’s always epidural… many thanks to the genius who created such great pain relief drugs!!

Footnotes:
CTG = cardiotocograph, a electronic device to monitor fetal well being by measuring the fetal’s heart rate and maternal’s uterine contractions, plotted against time.
Pitocin= a drug used to stimulate the contraction of smooth muscle of the uterus during labour
Apgar score = A scoring scheme to assess the general physical condition of a newborn infant based on a rating of 0, 1, or 2 for five criteria: heart rate, respiration, muscle tone, skin color, and response to stimuli.
Lelaki = Boy (in Malay Language)
Perempuan= Girl (in Malay Language)
(Written on December 09, 2007 at 02:12 PM)